A Karma Child

    When I think of Buddha, I like to think of this state of existence represented as a child. Children, when left to their own devices, are the quintessential embodiment of freedom, peace, and happiness. When a child is untouched by others insecurities and fears, the natural condition is that of compassion, love, and harmony. As an early childhood educator, I often would integrate a large portion of free play, as well as very loose lesson plans, to encourage critical thinking and to support self-exploration. Watching the children, I would often remark quietly to myself about how "in tune" they are with the natural and humane. Children have an untouched and unexploited sense of compassion, and help others simply out of instinct and genuine concern. I believe children naturally recognize during the formative years, that when they are part of a family, friendship, or classroom, they are part of a community, and although they are aware of differences, value the similarities above all else. Many would argue, that they have seen two year olds who scream "MINE" when they are supposed to be sharing with siblings, or who throw tantrums when they do not get their way, and this is all true, but I ask, just how natural these reactions actually are, and if, they are early learned behaviors. Belief systems such as Buddhism, and Theorists such as James Hollis, author of "The Middle Passage, support the idea that children and the desires they formulate, are heavily influenced by parent messages. If desire is an intrinsic instinct, I argue that the ability to detach from desire and see beyond our own ego is equally as predominant, and that it is imperative that parents and educators understand the course of their actions with children.


Many of the students I have shared with, come into the classroom with an ego already in place, not because they were born with a chip on their shoulder, but because they have already been exposed to experiences which warranted ego based reactions, and have begun to create behavioral patterns. For Example, a four year old boy in my preschool class was very shy and emotionally sensitive. He would react severely in fits of tears and sometimes rage when he was the center of attention, feeling as though he was the butt of some inside joke. Whether the other children were laughing with him or complimenting him, regardless, he was extremely affected by this fear of being the center of attention. Many teachers, including his parents, would roll their eyes and say "Oh, he is so sensitive" or "Oh, he is just shy". They would even tell him that he was just being "a baby". It is so easy to resign ourselves to "He was just born that way, it is naturally who he is" and even easier for the parents and teachers to tell him so. I do not believe in this approach. I would watch him play with the other children in quiet moments and he was strong, intelligent, and confident. He was kind and enjoyed sharing, cooperating with his friends to create block buildings or imaginative play. He was also incredibly intelligent and surpassed many of the other students in terms of his ability to retain information. But while I was taking the time to observe this child, I also took the time to observe his environment, and took note of his behavior around his parents and other adults. He was clingy and submissive with his mother. He acted like the baby. With his father he was cool and tough. Both parents were conditioning this child to react in ways they felt were appropriate. Not only was this child confused, but was also learning that it was inappropriate to be himself...whoever that was. It caused him to second guess his judgment and instincts, and made him feel embarrassed and afraid when he thought others were calling attention to his behavior, most likely because he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. In one instance I realized that although his parents loved him very much, their attachments sent subconscious messages to him to be both a man and a baby. And unfortunately for this student, even his teachers fed into the confusion, by validating what his parents projected. When he engaged in afflicted behavior in their presence, they would feed into his actions with their own afflicted emotions. It was a vicious cycle. Inevitably, they were at their wits end with his "misbehavior". But I saw a much different child when he was with his classmates. It took almost 3 years to make the classroom safe and supportive enough by his terms, for him to able to not react in afflicted ways. The last few months I had with him were amazing. Unfortunately, he still reacted to his parent messages instantaneously when they walked through the door.

Now it may seem that I am bashing parenting skills, but to the contrary, I am only surmising a point: That our parents’ choices and consequences are passed on to us. Some belief systems, like Buddhism, suggest that we carry over Karma from past experiences and lifetimes. Choices and actions we have made in previous circumstances, dominated by cause and effect, stay with the physical energy of the universe, and never fully go away; until we change the pattern of reaction. The Dalai Lama discusses this in his book "How to see yourself as you really are", as a natural phenomenon of the universe; he proposes that the mistake we make as humans is in ..."These two extremes- the exaggerated notion that phenomena exist under their own power, and the denial of cause and effect- [they] are like chasms into which our minds can fall, creating damaging perspectives...". (Hopkins, p.69) For instance, we can see cosmic occurrences and reactions through high-powered telescopes that have happened thousands and millions of years before. This matter and energy does not simply disappear as time marches on. Everything is relative. Most can agree whether one is religious, spiritual, or atheist, that we are not omniscient. If the matter of the universe and cosmos is not completely eradicated, the same biochemical’s and matter in which we all have been made from, what makes us think that our molecular being, and the consequences of our actions, should be dissolvable.

Our actions, from other lifetimes or immediate action, still have an effect on self and others (especially our children), and from this comes a Buddhist term "Ingwa na ko". (Hearn, p.174) Ingwa na ko, a term discovered in Lafcadio Hearn’s book “In Ghostly Japan”, translates from Japanese to English as "A Karma Child" and refers to a child of misfortune. "Ingwa" is a Japanese low class term for a child who has been born with physical or mental challenges, or in a great circumstance of poverty. (p.174) Buddhism utilizes this term meaning the passing of a parent’s bad karma onto the child. I agree, that it sounds rather harsh to think that a child who is severely physically or mentally challenged is the result of parent’s poor choices, and so I do not wish to be misunderstood, but what I do believe, is that all children are born in a Buddha state. A Buddha state is considered to be

"An ordinary person awakened to the true nature of life, and experiencing absolute happiness and freedom within the realities of daily life. Indestructible joy, unlimited wisdom, courage, compassion, creativity and life force.” (http://www.sgi-uk.org/index.php/buddhism/tenworlds)

This implies that all children have the opportunity to change bad karma; that they enter this vibration with purity in their hearts, and it is we, as adults, that taint them. Our choices, as parents or educators, family members, friends, or guides, bear weight on children, no matter what perspective we see it in. In terms of Karma and parent messages, I do not believe that there is a right or wrong scenario to follow. Experience is invaluable, and the most effective lessons learned come from the direct experience, but this is not to say that in order to learn we must suffer. Children can learn through positive experiences and personal freedom. Pain and anger are not a prerequisite for growth. In the Buddhist belief system, it is said that the root of all suffering comes from our attachment to desires, and the afflicted emotions that result. Desire encompasses emotions that seem obvious, such as lust or greed, but what many do not realize is that it also involves a false sense of love. Many people mistakenly perceive strong attachments to the people they love, such as jealousy, control, and loyalty as strength; as a testament of how much they love another. In truth, these emotions stem from our desires, and our insecurities, and in turn, send harmful messages to our children. The Buddhist proverb for this is "Ko wa Sangai no kubihase.": A child is a neck -shackle for the Three States of Existence.

The three states of existence imply past, present, and future but more directly, desire, form, and formlessness. Lafcadio Hearn, in his extensive studies on Japanese Buddhist proverb explains,

"...That is to say, the love of parents for their child may impede their spiritual progress — not only in this world, but through all their future states of being, — just as a kubiktai, or Japanese cangue, impedes the movements of the person upon whom it is placed. Parental affection, being the strongest of earthly attachments, is particularly apt to cause those whom it enslaves to commit wrongful acts in the hope of benefiting their offspring." (Hearn, p.183)

Parenting, as well as teaching, has evolved throughout history from an exercise in guidance or assistance, into a co-dependency to suffice insecurities, and ultimately pass on karma. James Hollis reflects this ideal in his book "The Middle Passage": "The conclusions about one's self and the world are clearly based on the very limited experience of a specific set of parents responding to particular issues." (Hollis, p.12) Hollis alludes to the belief that parent messages, much like the Buddhist belief of karma, clearly dictate a child's mental, spiritual and emotional growth, conditioning a child's behavioral patterns, desires, and existence. What was once a practice of assisting in the continuation of our species, and learning how to cohabitate with each other, has been subject to centuries of emotional suffering. Children are expected to learn very early on about pain and negativity, so much so, that they lose sight of what is valuable and natural. As Hollis states, "Even in early childhood, a growing split develops between our inherent nature and our socialized self." (p.14) I will go beyond this and also say that the initial nature of the child is not even inherent, but simply is a natural existence of being. Is this a question between nature and nurture? No, this is an issue of the exploitation of nature. Hollis also recognizes the grasp a child’s mind has on an elevated state beyond immediate circumstances. He acknowledges the "Provisional Personality" we create from adult behaviors as "...a series of strategies, chosen by the fragile child to manage existential angst."(p.10) This statement certainly suggests that children have the capacity to entertain existentialism, and do so actively, which also supports the idea that a pure state does exist in children initially. Despite calling this period a Buddha state or simply pre-exposure to adult affliction, children have a fresh opportunity when they are born to formulate positive choices and lead authentic lives. Due to these parent (or adult) messages, children build their entire life on false desires, expectations, and afflicted emotions. They do not lead genuine lives, one built on a harmonized and truthful perception. I believe that the theory of messaging and karma goes beyond parenting; the responsibility lies within us all: family members, friends, strangers, and especially educators. In both Hollis' theory and Buddhist belief, people are all interconnected. Both recognize the existence of cause and effect, and the consequences of our choices, both positive and negative.

Many children begin to have separated lives at a young age. I do not mean to say that they are torn in dysfunctional or unorthodox family environments. What I am suggesting is that the players in a child’s life; family, school, community, are not in accordanance with each other. Children may go to school and experience one level of living, while returning to an entirely contradictory one at home. And this works both ways; educators are just as capable of passing bad karma and messaging on to students as are parents. When I was a child, I was often left to my own mind while living with my mother. I spent most of my time alone, playing, pretending and the like. My parent messages at home were that I was to be self-sufficient. Coping and problem solving were most often my own responsibility. While at school though, my kindergarten teacher found me to be anti-social, hyperactive, and disobedient. It was her suggestion to my parents that I should be taken to a doctor for examining. I remember some of my experience in her classroom; I remember simply wanting to sit and draw, observe my surroundings. I thought it quite odd that I was in this place with a bunch of kids I never saw outside of school. I wondered where did they all go...did they have a mom and dad that lived together? Did they live in a house? An apartment? Who were these people really?

I passed kindergarten that year, but I knew that I was not well liked by my teacher, who had no problem telling me that I SHOULD be doing this or that, essentially, assisting me in feeling not "normal". At home, even though it was a precarious place for me, I felt normal, I felt like me. She certainly passed on a message to me; I was not like the other kids; I was abnormal. That stayed with my self-image all throughout my school life. In contrast, as my home life became very tumultuous in junior high school, my 7th grade English teacher was extremely kind, took the time to let me express myself through creative writing, even if the assignment wasn’t adhered to letter by letter, and I found that class gave me great comfort and support at a very fearful time in my life. I believe she also passed on a message, perhaps one that was rooted in her good karma, perhaps one that was able to love me as her student without any attachment, but regardless, it was affective. What would have been even more effective, would be a life that mirrored, not separated.

The separation that children suffer is not circumstantial. Children can come from many different backgrounds, races, religions, and environments and still will require a unity of elders. It is our responsibility as educators, parents, and community members to recognize our own desires and afflicted emotions so that we do not pass our negative karma and messages on to our children. In many ways, we need to understand the real meaning of love. "Complete love..." according to the Dalai Lama, "...is based not on attachment but on altruism, which is the most effective response to suffering." (Hopkins, p.11) Since the world consists of so many children who have been torn from grace, it is essential that we let go of our own insecurities and attachments, recognize children as beings, not as our property or a crutch, and love them in a pure and empathetic way. Children will be subject to one of two fates in this lifetime; maintaining a pure state from birth or reconnecting thereafter. Hollis points out that "the child who lived up to the parent’s expectations may have lost his or her soul along the way." (Hollis, p.16) As people, let us share one collective consciousness that perpetuates a supportive, healthy environment for children to learn and grow that does not force our adult beliefs, ideas, biases, and emotions on our children. Let our classrooms extend outside the walls of our homes and institutions. Let our lessons be our own.

Food and clothes sustain
Body and life;
I advise you to learn
Being as is.
When it's time,
I move my hermitage and go,
And there's nothing
To be left behind.

-Layman P'ang

"Not all love songs are about others" Pt. 1

When I first arrived in Japan, all I could do was write. It seemed that I lost all other forms of communication; my words were meaningless, my renditions dry. I lacked all modes of expression other than putting my thoughts on paper (or Microsoft Word). Gradually, I began to speak a little Japanese and experiment with Ikebana, Mineral Watercolors, and Yoga. I came to understand many times over in life, that experience is necessary for transgression. What is truly tangible is only the expectation or reflection on the encounter. The intangible is in the process. Somewhere I transgressed from the thought to the experience…the tangible to the intangible. I was wrapped up in searching for a logical means to express my situation and perspectives. I was caught up in the phrase:
“Find yourself.”

How contradictory this is to the mediocre universe we live in. If we are self, then we have already been found. We are tangible aren’t we? We exist. What is there to find if not some illusion of perspective. I found that I could not simply settle in finding myself. I had to question the actual validity of self, and whether there was even something to be found. Is there such a thing as self?

At the risk of sounding crazy, I digress. I believe there are 3 fundamental parts to “self”:
Instinct
Intuition
Learned Behavior

Instinct is usually based on survival mechanisms. It can be argued though, that instinct and intuition are actually a combination of learned behavior; that we as a species base our natural attraction on the experiences we have. What if the desire to quench our thirst was actually a learned behavior and not simply based on a chemical reaction. What if we chose to dehydrate and die instead? The fact that we can even entertain the two choices shows that somehow we learned the outcome of both hydration and dehydration. Well, of course the idea here is that our bodies are programmed to promote the survival of our species. The point is that we have choice, and depending on the choice we make, we will condition self. I present this is such a primitive way because I believe that people are so far removed from and confused about basic awareness, that they cannot even begin to theorize what instinct is anymore, along with intuition.

Now somewhere along the way, we came to believe that the things we know, the actions we make, are all coming from a source. We assumed it was the “self”, and as our minds expanded, so did the idea of self. Self being defined as a source of instinct and intuition, based on our experiences, since the beginning of humankind. And so, just as our nature has been molded by the actions/reactions we share, the idea of self has been shifted as well.

If “self” is additive, then it is clearly made of parts. And if “Self” is simply a series of parts, then it truly does not exist concretely as a whole.

When someone is seeking self, they are actually seeking out all the parts that have contributed to the many perspectives and beliefs they have come to incorporate into existence. This is not a reflection on a whole. It is a reflection on humanity. Relationships with people, living things, places, ideas, and space are a relationship with your “self” in a non-segregated way. This suggests that there is no actual distinction of yourself separate from other things, because the very essence of you was made by everything that surrounds. Not all love songs are about others.

Now I will not detract away from the idea that we are individually in one body, but again, is that body not made of parts? And does that body not deteriorate and transform into another matter? The vessel we exist in is not solely indicative of the parts that propel it, both physically and metaphysically. I have written before about the attachment humans have formed to possession, and this includes bodies. We are responsible for bodies, thought, and emotions; collectively, but we do not own them, even in our own right. These parts will return to another state in due time and we cannot stop the process.

I have come to believe that the true meaning of finding yourself is the genuine definition of life. It is the path that we all take. It is not a co-existence, it is an existence. It is hard to fathom the idea that we are individual, parts, and aggregate while not being a “whole”. We are all responsible for the collective, by living directly with some fractions, and by being aware of all the parts. Perhaps the term “Finding yourself” would be better understood if stated as “Awareness”; Awareness as something transverse and ephemeral. I believe that much like the fraction of my experience in Japan, humanity has spent the first half of the journey so concentrated on survival, that they lost sight of awareness. During the second half, we have been engaged in the revelry of comfort and once again, we are neglecting awareness. Today, it is imperative that we transcend.

While I felt as though I was standing opposite a large boulder during the first few months of my time in Japan, my collective instinct and intuition found ways to move me forward into awareness. I transcended into extroversion and experience. I have been spending my remaining time here exploring the intangible. I have been understanding ways in which I am not myself. ..

The State of Compassion

"Mercy does not mean not being cruel or sparing people revenge or punishment; it means a plain and positive thing like the sun, which one has neither seen or not seen." -- G.K. Chesterton


        G.K. Chesterton, a writer and social commentary in London during the late eighteen hundreds, was known as a devout Catholic, who often questioned the values of man. His witty and observant essays reflect a variety of beliefs though, and I often find myself highlighting many of his antidotes as common sense knowledge. When Chesterton discusses the premise of mercy in his essay "A Piece of Chalk" he is commenting on the magnitude of virtuous humanity. He reflects that being merciful, or compassionate, is not made of actions of superiority, but in an all encompassing frame of mind; one that is as intangible as the direct witnessing of the sun. We are aware of its prescence based on the sensation of heat, on the illumination of the day, and on the series of reactions it causes on and outside of our planet, but we only can be sure of the sun through a combination of alternative senses.... Seeing is not the only proof for believing, because to see the sun, is to see it once removed.
        The idea of mercy and forgiveness is merely the acknowledgement of the sun. The power of compassion however, is the embodiment of the suns' presence in relation to us, and the gratitude that we share. The difference between mercy and compassion is a representation of our own false perceptions and desires and the attachments that we have to them. Mercy, is a word that I believe to be negative, it is an implication that one has a precedence over the other... towering... a point where the higher chooses to impart their virtue on the lesser soul. The meaning of such words as mercy and forgiveness have been exploited and misconstrued, like many natural aspects of humanity throughout time. Due to years of conditioning our species to feel superior, entitled, and self-loathing, people have grown far away from the authenticity of life, and have hidden behind facades and excuses of righteousness.
        Many people use a myriad of excuses, masked as human nature, to eradicate the validity of compassion. "An eye for an eye" is often seen as a justification for afflictive actions and behavior based on the natural law of cause and effect. However, when observing nature, is the equal and opposite reaction based on revenge, anger, and hate? If the apple falls and hits the ground was it done with a sense of malice from the tree? So quickly do we hide behind virtue and justice as a means for retaliation to validate our own lack of self-worth. When a person creates an action that affects us, it is we who process that action as something reflective of our own worth. If someone disappoints you, says negative things about you, or takes advantage of your kindness, then immediately most move to anger...Why? We view these actions as something against us. It seems a testament to how worthless we are, undeserving of love, or deserving of such plight. To feel disrespect is to feel we are not worthy of respecting. But this is in our own perception. Entertained in our minds. Regardless of whether or not other parties involved have that opinion of you, do you have that opinion of yourself? Some sources of pain and suffering may be distributed by others, but the reaction to and effect of that action belongs to us. It is our choice to feel pain. Only knowing this and not acting as a vengeful person is half the point. As the story of our lives unfold, and we become more aware, not only of what we are, what we are made of, and why we perceive and feel the ways in which we do, we also realize, that to simply just be aware is only the beginning.
        Chesterton, reinforces the idea that the idea of mercy is the result of our own manipulation tactics and attachments. It is an attachment to our ego and a method of false integrity. It makes us believe that we are more evolved, worthy, and better than the person who acts so immorally. Compassion on the other hand, is a natural sense of empathy for the counterpoints of us all; humanity and nature.
        When you are unattached to ego, when you are able to understand and implement self-actualization, at any stage, you are able to constitute compassion. Issues no longer become a question of "This was done to me". Now our words become "This happened". From this point we must see what "happened" in all parts; view life multi-dimensionally. Real compassion is an absence of afflictive emotions. Real compassion is a state of existence. Some remain constantly in this state, and others must remind themselves to revisit, but the more time we spend in compassion, the more we become it. It is a reconditioning of our being.
        For many, the refusal of compassion as life is affiliated with pride and ego. It is the perception that others actions were forced on us, and we will no longer be subject to victimization. Those who seek revenge and anger may feel empowered, but that empowerment only lasts for a short period of time, since the root cause has not been addressed: Self. We see those who do not seek revenge or feel anger as "wimps" or "push over’s". For some, submission may be a result of their own ego attachments, but I believe those who choose to overcome afflicting emotion and ego, generally find themselves subject less to negative situations. They have a clearer sense of intuition and happen among less precarious situations, because life is relative to their level of compassion and perception. The very refusal of compassion and authentic living is to live in subjection; it is the manifestation of existing as a sentient being.
        It seems to me, that the most predominant reason for being aware and not integrating compassion is fear. As we evolve in ways of security, comfort, and technology, we become less in tune with our natural instincts and move away from change. We no longer can hear our own intuition. Intuition is clouded by poor conditioning that has gone on for so long we consider it to be natural. People often say "I could never do that, I am not that kinda person", but I believe we are all "that kinda person". We are all capable of letting go of attachment, of living in a state of peace, and of being compassionate. In my experiences, when you let go of the expectation, of the inflated idea of comfort, and put compassion and love into everything you do, then life picks you up.
        Chesterton asserted that genuine mercy, and being a good person in every facet of life, is not a mundane and unreachable existence. In conjunction, I contend that because of false desires and distorted attachments to family, friends and self, which are based on our own self-depreciation, we prevent ourselves from living in a pure and compassionate manner. We prevent ourselves from experiencing peace. When someone has created an action that you see as disrespectful, remember that you are worthy of respect. When you contemplate forgiveness, remember that we are all made from equal parts, and so there is no merit to the sense of the word. When you are faced with anger, ask why you are so angry at yourself. Remember that people do not "earn" compassion and should not be categorized in levels of priority. We should be equally as compassionate to strangers as we would be to ourselves. This is a difficult concept for people to understand because of attachment to materialism, ego, and a sense of people as our property. Loyalty is a false sense of security and strength. We should not act "loyally" we should act compassionately.
        Words like mercy and forgiveness are positive concepts that have rooted from negative perspectives. The concept of forgiveness and mercy was derived from a situation or experience that warranted those very feelings. Words like anger, betrayal, disloyalty, and hurt are considered actions created by others who place these afflictions on us. The only word that holds the key to authentic love is compassion. When we realize that we are all interconnected and made of the same substances and matter, it may be easier to let go. When we remove ourselves from the complex entanglements that we have spun; from false beliefs and a twisted sense of self, then we will be able to not only give compassion, but invite it in as well.

The Lotus

One overcast summer day, roughly a year and a half ago, I was visiting a Japanese garden in Millbrook, NY.  The sky was a pale gray and would occasionally offer a few rays of sunshine to shed light on this moment in time.  I was captivated by the beauty that surrounded me, and it gave a foreshadowing of what I thought was to come.  There were many shades of green and yellow, back dropped by the sound of trickling water falls and softly chirping birds.  I felt inspired, in love, and unconvinced as I walked on the tiny pebbles that led the winding paths. In the garden was a Lotus flower, which beckoned the eye to appreciate its contours.  I stood and pondered the Lotus, and admired its color and shape; the petals were large and white, with a thick green stem and imposing yellow stamen that jutted out from its core. But all the while I felt a nagging sense of boredom and disdain at my lack of intent interest.  No matter how hard I tried, my mind could not appreciate it's full beauty.  I did not understand why and what I was missing about this extraordinary specimen.  All I knew, all I let myself know, was the context I choose to view it in.  At that time in my life, the garden was not perceived with pure eyes.  And in melancholic recollection, all that surrounded me was truly a mirage.  Intuition was speaking to me that day, informing me with an obscurity of feeling, that what is truly beautiful cannot be seen askew.  I can remember a thousand days that have been haunted by such displacement.

As I move in my present life, all moments merge into a whirlpool of experiences.  They mix and meld to make a conglomerate of feeling and thought, and after separating the illusion from the query, I am presented with the barren truth.  I have pondered the detriments of attachment and stripped away my perceptions from objectivity.  I can bring instances in and out of consciousness at my leisure...and because of this, I am able to remove the attachment I have held throughout my experiences, and examine them from many points of view.  Some I surely have not seen, but only because I am not being honest with myself.  I am not willing to let go of an irrelevant action or thought that I have perceived to be an attack on my self-worth. 
When  the rhetorical questions of life are considered, I apply a loose perspective, realizing that bound thoughts create constricted ideas.  Are we simply here to live and die? I think so, and life is as stark as the question itself, but at the same time, is delicate and beautiful.  Does it all matter? Only if we give it power.  Although there is emptiness in the space between, we are not empty; it is simply just another part. 

By existing everywhere and nowhere in my thoughts and perceptions, I humbly accept truth.

I have found that the easiest place to start is in retrospect, where time has offered some relief of detachment and the initial stages of clarity.  I have discovered that the next portion of my journey involves applying this to things to come...
Often I make judgements and actions initially, and then, after consideration, realize that I have put myself in a position.  At some point I can see that my intuition has encouraging me to make a different choice, but I dismissed hearing the message.  I have also come to understand, that often I would confuse my intuition with my conscience, insecurities, fears, and ego.  This all seems contradictory, because in order to see things in truth instantaniously, one would need intuition to prevent making an afflicted choice.  It looks as though the only resolution is to practice building strength in intuition, by detaching myself from unnecessary thoughts and emotions, and freeing my existence from certain outcome.  And so I feel that choice is power, because although we are all interconnected to each other and nature, and cause and effect is very real, my parts have the capacity to choose.  I used to only see the same choices in front of me, black or white, shades of gray...but choices run deeper than a gradation of neutral tones. The choices we are presented with in life are not based on something permanent, nor or should they be assessed on a gut feeling or a fear of effect...  choices are multi-sensory, with various perspective, but are utterly simplistic and natural.  The accumulation of these intrinsic traits is intuition. 

The game that we have created for ourselves in life, as social human beings, involves polluting our own intuition while irresponsibly creating circumstances that effect others.  What we fail to comprehend, is by attaching ourselves to ego and the emotions that come along with it (jealousy, anger, lust), we devalue our own worth, and ignore truth.  Collectively, since we are integrated, we each contribute falsity, which prevents growth and awareness, and adds to a mountain of fabrication.  Some may call this the breeding of karma. 
I find, that when I am being honest, and am willing to understand things as they truly are, it is easier to let go of painful thoughts and emotions because I am addressing the real problem. When I accept that we are all interconnected, that my own personal value is irrelevant because there is no real physical law of possession, then my existence is genuine.

When I was in the garden that day, I was blinded by my own ego.  I was viewing the world under a false pretense. My attention was not on the presence of the flowers or the relationships between other elements.  My thoughts were focused on myself and the person I was with.  I was filled with a desire to make our relationship appear to be even more beautiful than the garden.  I wanted so badly for some sort of magic to take place, as if the miracle of life in this natural setting would create a miracle in his heart.  My intuition spoke faintly through a feeling of unease, but it was pushed aside...captivated by the possibility of romance, of being loved, of being admired....by someone or something outside of myself.  When all in all, we are made of the same matter, it is like asking my reflection to validate that I am alive.  As I looked at the Lotus flower, the one that stood out amongst all others, I could only see a flower.  I knew it was special.  What I couldn't see, was its beauty and existence, reliant on all of its parts, and all of the other elements in the garden that made it a piece in a collection. 
Now, I have come back to the Lotus in my mind. When I think of it, I see it in my minds eye, and I feel it with my minds eye.  It has soft but firm, large, white calyx...with subtle streaks of purple.  Each petal gently moves into a pointed tip on end and waxy green fronds extend from the bases.  Yellow stamen protrude from the center and hint at the viewer to poke fingers inside like a Chinese finger trap.  It's body is so capacious in relation to the other delicate flowers that to pluck it might take two hands. 
It is now that I feel I can really see the Lotus, I can observe it with intent, and feel confident that over time, I will continue to discover new parts.  The Lotus, moving around in my minds eye, brings me peace.  It is so many things...but mostly, a reminder that parts are interchangeable, malleable, and able to be transformed when seen as they really are.

It is snowing again outside. Usually you would find me complaining on end about the snowy winter here in Aomori. If you were in my car, you would be bombarded with my sarcastic remarks at every turn for every driver. I would be cursing and yelling about how much the weather stinks. As much fun as that is for me (and my friend Steve; he finds humor in my rants when I drive…in the snow), the miserable dreary weather looks different to me today.

I have always known that I am blessed. I feel fortunate that I have led a fruitful life spiritually, emotionally, and physically, no matter how difficult it has seemed. My journey to Japan, as I have stated so many times, is in large portion a journey of self-reflection and personal wisdom. I came here not only because I had the desire to learn about this culture and see far off places, but also because I sought out detachment and solitude. In correlation with my last entry, I was looking to apply many lessons I have learned, and to balance the outside with the inside. The first 6 months were extremely difficult. I spent my time purging old habits, and even though I sought out isolation for clarity, it was hard to be so far away from my loved ones. Despite the vicissitude of my experience, I learned so much… It shows that life is an ever present lesson, and no, we do not get a break. Life is built on teachable moments, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. Some of those lessons were unexpected for me, but this has made me all the richer…
So, why the retrospection?
I believe that it is equally as important to express our happiness as well as our plight. I had been trying for years to put myself together, in a healthy, genuine way. I struggled with living in subjection. I always envisioned myself living in a certain manner, but I could never achieve this life style, regardless of how wonderful my finances, emotional situations, or personal motivation was. Being here though, has provided me with the necessary concoction of ingredients needed for personal success. I am experiencing positive feelings that I have felt before but never in combination with each other. I am living in a way that I had only hoped for. I am aware that there are obstacles in my life, but I accept that.
I like where I am right now.
I am inner peace (because I cannot posses it, I can only be it.)

I like noting the moments as they pass.

When we realize that we are ruled by thought,
When we empower ourselves, and let go…
I know that I have the tools to take this with me…
Even when it snows.
Many Thanks…

Peace of mind

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no
--John Lennon

When my mind is racing, it is filled with thoughts, words, pictures and song. The past week I have been on a mental hamster wheel; running over and over the same thoughts and songs. And then last night, after some purging, I got up this morning with only one song floating around in an empty head. See the above. What I actually keep hearing is the long, drawn out breath John Lennon expels: “I’m soooo tired…”

I often feel this way after an intense emotional or mental workout. Exhaustion. I am so relived when my mind has finally drained the backed up thoughts in my head. I realized that if I wrote all of those thoughts down, I would come across seriously crazy, so I mull over them until they cease. What has been dominating my thoughts is the application of some new lessons learned, but also, old patterns that die hard. I find that there is a process when integrating new information into our consciousness and pushing out the old from our subconscious. For instance, last year, I integrated new information through self-reflection into my consciousness. It was there, but I wasn’t using it. I had a very difficult time manifesting what I knew. This year, I found myself utilizing the knowledge I gained. Somehow, over the course of time, I transferred that information from a simply conscious thought, (one where you know what is right, but you just keep doing the wrong anyway) into an intrinsic part of my subconscious. As I experience more and reflect more through out my life, awareness becomes increasingly present, and sometimes I feel like my mind has split right in two.

After my New Years experience, I had a plethora of new knowledge to synthesize into my being. It felt good, exciting to have made such breakthroughs. When I was younger, my destructive patterns and attachments were at the helm, and so although I was having experiences and receiving valuable information about myself, my subconscious took over and conscious thought did not absorb these epiphanies quite so quickly. I was dominated by one or the other: logic or emotion. There was (and still is to certain degrees) an imbalance of self and spirit. Now, in light of a slow integration of lessons learned, my inner self has learned to become more agile, and I am finding that incorporation is clearer and faster.

It is a strange existence though, when one is no longer ruled by subconscious and deep rooted patterns or habits. The past week has felt like there were two people living in my head. My conscious mind has new revelations and wisdom to share, but, again, Ugghhhh…. Old patterns were wreaking havoc on my emotions. This is the interesting part though. I was fully aware that the patterns were patterns. The emotions were there, but they were hollow, not attached to a particular action or person. My mind would search to latch on to some idea, memory, person, anything… But it just couldn’t attach, so the result was feeling a range of urgency and anxiety, but without any source. My old patterns fought so hard that I found my self on the verge of obsession… but there was not a viable object to place my attention on. My conscious mind has been working quickly at rewiring my subconscious, and it would not let it attach to fallacy. It was like my body and mind were suffering from its own Couvade syndrome.

I have spent years researching and reading about self-awareness, emotion, thought, and spirituality, and for reasons unknown, now has become the time in my life where they all come together. But what I get from all of this is that the consciousness is not enough. To think, to know, to understand is not enough. This information must be experienced, it must be an integral part of our systems; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is not enough to read the book, and I think, although we spend our lifetime trying to escape suffering, sometimes we must experience it to truly understand what we learn… to really feel. In my life, I have had the experiences first and then learned the information. I had been trying to learn the words and thoughts first, but even if I could recite them from memory, I still could not fully understand. Nothing undermines the experience.

And now “I’m so Tired…”

It seems that my self has learned to rewire quickly enough. All the hard work I have done in the past has built momentum, and the basis of my being no longer stands on useless habits and learned behaviors. Oh yes, some still linger, and I know I will have other battles in the future, but what I also know, is that I have in some ways, become a better human being, a stronger individual, and a whole person.

When I was searching for the clip of John Lennon’s lyrics, I stumbled on a short description about the meaning behind his words. It seems that John wrote this song during his stay at a transcendental meditation retreat. I found this interesting, how he was so tired too in his quest for self-discovery, and how appropriate, that it was the song that welcomed a hiatus from self-reflection.

Appropriately Named: New Year

The New Year, I believe, is an opportunity for most to "turn on" critical thinking. It is a time when people are supposed to peer inward and out, and think about themselves critically. We ask for answers, we ask for change. We attempt to question and declare resolutions that for most are only superficial and not thoroughly examined. For example, "I'm going to lose weight, quit smoking" or "This is my year for success, happiness, love.” What happens is we place these demands on ourselves (and often other people) without really understanding why they are so important, how they can be met, and if they have any meaning at all. Consequently, many times these resolutions fail, and we find ourselves seeking answers again the next year.
At the risk of sounding trite; New Year should be everyday. New Day, New Life; never taken for granted and always used to the fullest. And in order to maximize our lives, we need to look deeper into ourselves when making change or asking for answers.

For me, this New Year has been symbolic of so many things. I have written about my darkness. I have been swimming in a gamut of fear and the unknown. I have walked a path that has led me to face those fears and to look deeply into myself. Coming to Japan is the accumulation of a life long inner battle. Facets of self fighting to unite. I too, have been asking deep questions. I began to feel hopeless, feeling that which I seek can never be found. But this New Year, something has changed.

My inner sorrow and despair over the past few months, well, through my whole life has led me to what I believe is a fundamental question of suffering: Attachment. I have learned through glimpses of peace and happiness that attachment sets us up for suffering. Interestingly, I cannot put into words what that means. Relief is not indicative of detachment. It is comparable to the koan of the monk. I can give examples of living without attachment and the happiness I have felt, but I cannot explain how this is achieved aside from hard work, understanding self, and compassion for the rest of the world. For example, I often refer to relationships. Whether it is from my own desire for love or the fact that as creatures of the universe we need companionship, I find myself commanded by love and kinship. In my deep relationships, I no longer have an attachment. I love them, I cherish them, I adore and respect these people, but, I am able to coexist with them, free from judgment, and if need be, I can live without them. I hold no sorrow or pain in my heart. I feel no need for deceit, lies or betrayal. I trust them freely without fear. I hold only good will and love for them in my heart, and respect their lives in conjunction with the universe. I feel healthy emotions of love and longing for their company, but it does not ruin me, I am not detached, but I am not attached. That is the best words and description I can provide. I did not come to this conclusion by premeditated thought or desire. I did not seek out this existence. This was a natural occurrence based on extenuating circumstances, choices, and good karma that I have experienced.
I have also worked at applying this to areas of my life where I felt strong attachment. I found that when trying to force, control, or manipulate good fortune, even if victory ensued, I always suffered. I began with the first step of awareness, followed by taking responsibility for my actions, thoughts and feelings, recognizing my inner strength, finding my love of self, extending compassion for others, and letting go of my attachment to expectation and outcome. No longer would I measure success based on another’s opinions, on a monetary scale, by a materialistic measure, or by how many people loved me. A successful person is measured by their own means and to me, by the will and strength of their heart and character.

I had lived in and at times still fall prey to the attachment to loneliness, anger and fear. I wish to be free from this.

I have suffered more recently here in Japan because of my attachment to thought. I felt the pangs of separation from those I love but learned to let go and understand that the tie we share can never be lost. Time and space hold no weight on a pure heart. But I suffered at the hand of desire, of old patterns, and was caught between hanging on to a thought and letting go. Often I find myself in situations entirely too long because I am fearful of letting go of a desire, of attachment. The weeks before the holidays had me a bundle of nerves and anxiety, and again, I wondered, how, after all of the work I have been invested in, can I still come back to feeling this way?

The answer is intuition.
I learned a valuable lesson. When we are ill, anxious, scared, sad, angry... intuition is telling us something is not right, that we are going against the grain of the universe. We must ask ourselves why we are feeling this way. Our bodies and hearts know the answer, we just have to listen. But again, I was not listening. I knew it was my worst fear knocking at my door. The fear of loss. The fear of being abandoned. It was taking hold of me all this time. I have said before that if you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose, but the truth is, you always have something. You will always have the universal energy of love and compassion in your heart. You will always have yourself. It is so difficult to come the point where we accept that this is enough.

And in true style, perhaps the power of intention or willing it so, my worst fear came true.
I realized that what was happening here was inconsequential.
I realized that my attachment was not to this person, but an idea.
I realized that I have been walking a virtuous path and the destruction of this obstacle has showed me a light at the end of the sorrow.

I was absolutely amazed by my own dexterity and will to let my heart live freely, no longer shackled by fear and anger.
The pain, the sadness, the anger was all an illusion. It was caused by an attachment to a person or ideal.
As I sat on the train beside the physical representation of my attachment, who like me, is a soul walking the path of life, I suddenly felt an immense burst of love, for myself, for his soul, for the future, for the universe. It transcended time and space. It was pure and unattached, not affiliate with any kind of love or any one person. In that instance everything made sense to me in the most nonsensical type of way. I understood.

I have felt this before at the mercy of other representations and I send love and peace to all. Deception, betrayal and sadness have always been a friend to me, but no longer am I interested in their employment. Necessary, they have been in my growth. Ever present they may be. But this year, I am going to be free. I have made my choice. I will walk the virtuous path. I have many more lessons to learn. I have many more experiences to live. I have many more tears to cry and smiles to share. And for the first time in my life I can say that the idea that once haunted my footsteps is no longer in the fore front of my mind.

What I was sure was going to be a very unhappy and difficult new year turned out to be an amazing experience symbolic of my new skin. I was so afraid of being left to my own loneliness, but that loneliness never came. I wandered back to my hotel room alone on New Years Eve not quite ready to succumb to the standard processes of healing. I decided to find a small bar to have a quiet drink alone. Forgetting that I was in a primarily homogenous country, I found a tiny hole in the wall called "Bar Buenos". I thought to myself, "Spanish!" (A little reminiscence of home). I walked into the bar feeling okay about not sharing the traditional New Years Eve that I had, like many others, seen as the accumulation of a kiss at midnight or a wild story with your friends. I opened the door and entered from the cold into roughly 10 Japanese people staring at me.

The record skips.

Me: Konnichiwa

Them:

Me: Daijobu desuka? (Is this okay?)

Them:

Me: (Thinking to myself, well, shit, im gonna sit down here in the corner)

One random guy:  Hey! please, please sit down, what will you drink! (In English)


I began to have a few drinks as other people in the bar came over. Most knew some English and were happy to use it. They found out I was living in Aomori and were impressed at my endurance of the inaka and the cold, snowy weather. Over the course of the night, it turned out, that between their pretty decent English and my crappy Japanese, we were able to have awesome conversation about everything from World History, what to do for fun, and the fact that I always thought my boss was hammered but really I was confusing the smell of soba on his breath. It was awesome. And then, in an epic status, at the stroke of midnight, after a glorious countdown and kanpai, they asked me to join them in the traditional New Year’s prayer at the nearby jinja (shrine). It was incredible. I felt so blessed to make my wish for the New Year with them, to drink hot sake, and to give thanks for the happenings of the past year. Afterward, we all headed back to the bar and drank until 4am. I will never forget their kindness and how they helped me to begin a very special new year.
The next morning I woke up feeling a little melancholy, but blessed none the less. I headed up to Asakusa to watch the thousands of people make their new year’s prayers at the Sensoji Temple. I thought about what everyone was wishing for. I thought about my good fortune.

And here I am back in Aomori now, feeling strong, feeling optimistic, but this time, it is no false hope, it is not me trying to convince myself that everything is going to be alright.

It’s genuine.

The exorcism of attachment

I was talking recently with someone I cherish greatly, about the idea of transcending the mediocre in life, and moving forward in our paths. We stumbled upon the mutual question of attachment; attachment to outcomes, expectations, and desires. It seems that when one is attached to these notions, obstacles are actually created. We get caught up in what we think is successful or needed. As I have discussed in previous entries, thinking is only one facet of who we are, and when fully relied on as a guide, we are certainly left to our own demise. I have worked hard on the idea of “attachment” and have found that in some areas of my life, I have understood and applied the meaning of just being. But one area of my life has always been recessed in my wisdom, and I cannot understand how to detach. I have been working hard at acknowledging the awareness and changing behaviors, but I cannot seem to just let go. I feel that because of this I have perpetuated many painful experiences. I don’t know how to embrace and believe in good things, like love and peace without opening myself to negativity and the pain that comes along with attachment, and things lost. Although I have said before that I do not affiliate myself with any one denomination, I do often refer to Buddhism. I find that many faiths correlate with the lessons and path we take as humans, and when studied free from attachment, we can identify purely with these ideas of faith, and not fall victim to the harmful aspects of beliefs. Faith was laid down as not only a loose explanation of our existence, but also as a metaphorical encyclopedia of living. It was never intended to cause us pain, to wage wars and create prejudices, it was simply advice given by other humans who have lived before us. In an effort to connect this tangent, Buddhism for me, has become one faith whose issues of life I can identify with. And I believe that the theory of releasing attachment holds a key to happiness. Many would say that not being attached is to be detached, which is confused with aloofness. This is my quandary. I know, as a human of many experiences, and as a firm believer in love, kindness, and compassion, that being aloof is not congruent with letting go. But how do you still love and let go? How do you offer kindness and compassion to another and not become attached? I understand that you should not place responsibility for your happiness on another. I understand that you should not attach yourself to expectations. You must be you, and you must genuinely love that person for who they are. You must just “be” while letting them “be”. And in order to achieve this you must be in tune with who you are, what our insecurities and fears are, so you do not place them on someone else. But what if this all seems to be present and you still find yourself “attached”? Hurt by someone’s words. Sad about someone’s departure from your life? The understanding I get from Buddhist principles is that your sadness is only a reflection of your own selfish attachments or intentions. You are sad because you are focused on loss. You are hurt because you have attached your self- worth or happiness to someone else’s thoughts or feelings. How about the love you feel for that person? Many principles of faith say one should love without the notion of love in return. I can comprehend this idea when applied to many types of relationships; but not with a lover. I can love without compromising myself. I can be kind without a goal of seeking kindness. At some point though, when that relationship ends, my kindness is no longer welcome, or welcome in the capacity that I desire to give. If it is true, that all suffering is caused by attachment and desire, how does one not feel the pangs of separation and unrequited love? How does one cease to desire closeness? Why are we not content with platonic love? Parental love? Familial Love? The answer cannot be to kill the desire to reproduce; it seems unnatural. How do you trivialize that loss and free yourself from suffering? How do you refuse the desire for agape love? Why is it wrong to want pure, selfless and realistic love with another?

Wednesday's child is full of woe...

I have been tangled up in knots. Uneasy. My stomach has been churning, acids eating away at the depth of my insides. Constantly on edge; on the edge of confusion. I have found that emotions I thought I no longer had use for have reappeared.  Old feelings I thought I had worked long and hard on diminshing once again battle to control my life.
I laid on my couch in silence last night, fighting the desire to "do"; to distract and overanalyze.   I started to think about the act of doing and the implications of the word. I have been struggling with sentence syntax in the Japanese language and had been wrestling with using the word "do". It has become increasingly difficult for me to express my needs and communicate when not knowing how and when I should be placing/using the word. My mind began to trail off into the semantics of "Suru", "Shimasu"... and I realized how important this word has become for most.
I fought with myself to not "do"; scrappling to find some serenity, some connection with the peaceful vibration of the universe. When these emotions have come in the past I always had to "do". Paint, write, drink, smoke, read... the list is endless. Most people, have come to rely on "do" to distract and detract, or on the antonym to protect themselves from fear. I search for the balance of this word. I understand in these thoughts the importance of interconnectivity; knowing who you truly are, the art of virtue, and the pratice of peace.
I suppose the biggest difficulty of my plight has been the lack of understanding and the frustration that the habits and emotions we latch onto in our first passage, as James Hollis would say, do not just disappear. So I find that some of my old tools and resources for coping or understanding do not suit me anymore. It is time to move on to the next level of my journey and pick up new evolved skills. I have been trying to practice the act of being for a few years now.  Many times I have found this way to be a natural evolution of self and spirit. Many times I have felt peace and fufillment when just existing and enjoying the moments of life. I go in and out of this practice, and find myself struggling at times to phatom how it is even possible to just "exist". I beleive that we all have the ability to do this, that ultimatley, the only way we can truly find peace is to live in this manner, but I also feel that a great amount of shedding is called for in order to attain a constant vibration. I know many woud say this sounds like the Buddhist ideal of Enlightenment, or the Christian ideal of Salvation; so on and so on... but I beleive that it has no name, and that it is possible to achieve it in different ways, in varying steps, and during a wide range of times in our lives.
And so, I am shedding my skin. Something I do often in my life. I suppose as time weathers our tired bodies and expereinces grate on our souls, shedding becomes more painful, more abrasive. The skin undernreath finds itself wearing more thin as cells struggle to regenerate what was once lost. I feel it has become inevitable for me to live in this way, to accept and affirm the other forces at play. To know who I am and my own personal magic.
But something unexpected presents itself after you discover the awareness of these universal laws. There is no clear way to implement them. I know many would argue, but certain facets of worship or practice do not provide for everyone. Each person must find the path that will bring them to balance on their own.
While I write and reread this, and let words flow from my hands, I see that my confusion is the miscommunication I am suffering between myself and the universe. Much like the lapse in communication I feel between myself and the Japanese language, or the isolation of having no one here to verbally exercise my thoughts with. I suppose that by taking away the comfort of communication, I have no other choice but to move into a higher level of living. But what was once a rich and cultivated atmosphere of communication by a multitude of communication tools, has become a barren land where only innovation will preservere. My only goal being to exist. The unending result becoming the affirmation to live, not just to be alive.
In this proverbial battle of spirit and will, I am desperatly seeking a way to extinguish these issues once and for all, and fearful that I will never find the way.
I am aware of what I do have. I am not fearful of what may be. But I am concerned with the now. With living each day to the fullest. To find balance in a great deal of many things. To ponder this koan. What I feel like is the unanswerable.

The Euphony of Gratitude

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do this.
Today is Thanksgiving.

When I left I knew very well that I would be missing occasions, happenings, and gatherings. So I swore: I am not going to be that person who writes melancholy and trite ramblings about missing home on the holidays.

Luckily I am keeping my word. Sort of.

I had always been that person who believes it is so much easier when other people are not a fraction of the equation. Out of sight out of mind. I entertained the idea of being away for the holidays for a year or maybe longer. Suffice it to say I was okay with it. Quite frankly I yearned for solitude. I sought out a path that would lead me to isolation. One in which I could live freely without the tangled web woven by relationships. When time moves, it moves for me. My isolation thus far has been a painful and rewarding experience as well. Time not only moves for me; it also pauses and transcends.

I reached a significant point in my journey in the past few weeks. It seems that years of sifting the wheat from the chaff has finally paid off and I have found a vibration that integrates my inner and outer life. I have found ways to utilize my time, because inadvertently, my time is all that exists. I have reached goals that I had once only dreamed of; I quit smoking without any difficulty, returned to my passion for swimming, put my long years of schooling to good use, and created beautiful pieces of art. It’s truly amazing to me and I have spent many moments in awe of my good fortune. I find it ironic, that in one instance I can cry hysterically for the blessing that the universe has bestowed on me; a poor trailer kid from a dysfunctional life whose dreams have come true, while in the next occurrence, I am so depressed and self-loathing, that all I can feel is deep sadness. But in this paradox of emotion, the very essence of self reflection and long periods of time being alienated, help me to understand that the constant flux is representative of something whole. I am grateful for the ability to feel everything in abundance. So, in retrospect, while I sit in my living room, after I just completed one of my favorite paintings, I take in the moment. I sit in total solitude. My painting hanging to dry, drinking a cup of Japanese tea, “Subterranean Homesick Alien” by Radiohead playing in the background, and I realize the perfection of the moment. The slightly askew meter of my life.

I woke up this morning fighting the sadness of not being home for the holidays. Marveling at the lie I have always told myself about hating the holidays. About hating my family life. About how I constantly isolated myself. Realizing in one of those pedestrian moments, that I have always longed for those times. Times when I could say, “I have somewhere I belong”.

Bittersweet. Right now, I belong here, but only now. Temporarily. Forever, I belong home. I belong in the hearts of the people I love. And love renews. As my day went on, I received news that my nephew was born. A beautiful new life; a colossal addition to the ubiquitous love that binds my family. So as I sit in my moment of thanks for all the things that surround me… for the merger of my universal soul… the perfection of the moment lies askew. Feeling so uplifted, but yearning to be with my family. To meet my nephew, to tell my brother I love him, to praise my sister-in-law, and to give thanks along side of my family and friends.

Oh, time, how you play fool to no one.

But what you give in exchange for your unruly behavior is the ephemeral moment of perfection and the indestructible evolution of love. The first moment my brother and sister-in-law looked in their son’s eyes, the toast for another year of thanks, and the space in between where I am sitting right now.

The brink of happiness.

Something has been happening to me. It's a feeling that is not unfamiliar; it is one that has always haunted and eluded me. Based on the fore mentioned title, it seems that the next sentence here should be my exclamation of happiness; how I avoided it all my life due to a manifestation of all of my insecurities and fears, and now finally, one day, THIS DAY, I have realized that happiness has been at my door always, and I have finally decided to answer the bell.

Hmmm.

The truth is,(or so I believe it to be): yes. Happiness eludes us all, and yes; it is always there for the taking via a shift in perspective...
But what I have been experiencing is the brink of happiness.

When I was a child, I formulated dreams and goals, to numb the circumstances I lived in. I was a severe dreamer; always getting in trouble for dazing, lollygagging, and half-assing. Every situation I encountered had a counter part. My room was a nursery filled with my children, a rock concert stage, an artist’s studio, a prison, and an empty space that I vacated...all in that order. As I got older my goals and dreams matured, but always circumvented around the person I wanted to be someday. I would imagine the qualities and characteristics I would have. I would imagine the people and events that would take place. Through this daydreaming I would uncover clues to my strengths and weaknesses, desires, and dislikes, insecurities and fears, and pave a road of self-exploration rich with facets of my inner being. Dreams served as a pathway. It was my dreams that first introduced me to the universe and the power of intention.

When I was 4 years old I went outside one night to a little hill in the woods next to my house. Everything was changing. I think from a very early age I learned about change and that most usually it comes with the yin and yang of something good and something bad. I remember being scared. But even though it was twilight and getting dark in the small clearing in the woods, I wasn’t afraid of the elements. I thought about my grandpa who told me that if I made a wish on a star it would come true. I couldn’t tell you why I wished for this, I just only remember being on this hill and thinking about it. I asked the star, in a Jiminy Cricket manner, for brothers and sisters. I knew damn well they weren’t coming from my mom and dad, but I needed them. That was the first time I asked the universe for anything. And it delivered. I spent the rest of my life adoring every inch of who they are.
I will never forget that memory. It had taught me so much in so many ways I can’t begin to list. But its pertinence to now is reflective of how dreams, how we, how our inward selves and outward selves are all threads in the loom. How our dreams and desires come from the deep recesses of our souls. They are the well of happiness. What prevents us from happiness is the way in which we access the well.

Due to my constant dual state of fantasy, I was always close to the well, but only utilized it to quench my thirst, never to stay hydrated.
When I was a kid those dreams were a life line. When I was a kid those dreams were so enhanced and extrapolated and their purpose was simply one of promise for something better. Although they were a source for learning about my personal definition of happiness, they weren’t enough alone. When I would encounter gratifying situations, I would match them up to my ideal, and if they didn’t fit, I wasn’t truly happy. I was living a notion of controlled happiness. When I look back in retrospect from today, what I do remember more than happiness is content, peace, and love. Happiness for me has become too strong of a word. I fear happiness as a component of the English language.

I (or even we as people) rely so much on happiness, because to me, happiness was a merger of actuality and fantasy. What has begun to happen to me now, is the recognition that I am on the brink of happiness. I sat down at my desk before and rolled over in my head the current circumstances of my life. I began to feel elated. I then felt an overwhelming lump in my throat when I almost said (to myself mind you), “I am happy”. I don’t want to say it. I realized that all my life I was afraid of being happy.

If you ain’t got nothin’ you got nothin’ to lose.

I was afraid to say “it” because if I did it might stop happiness from occurring. Something bad would happen. It will change. It won’t last. The funny thing is, I haven’t even fully experienced or completed the actions that I am associating with happiness. I am on the brink. I am on the brink of career situations and projects that I have dreamed of. I am on the brink of spending the rest of my life with my prince charming. I am on the brink of...

But I’m not. Maybe I am not healed, but I am at peace with my soul. Maybe I am not influential, but I am influencing children and people everyday. Maybe I am not showing work in major cities, but I am painting in solitude frequently. Maybe I am not Mrs. So and so, but I am in love. Now. Right now. I am. I am in an uncontrollable state of living.

I've never given up on day dreaming.

Don't let your thoughts get in the way...

Per the advice of someone I respect greatly, I let my mind take a back seat the past few weeks. Consequently, it is the end of October already. This hiatus from my thoughts was not a welcome one I must say, and in correlation to the metaphors I have been writing about, it is much more difficult to look into the mirror than to go through it.

When discussing the notion of connectivity or interconnectivity, it is easy to understand that we, as human beings, are part of the larger, natural picture. We too are akin to the elements: air, earth, water, fire, wind. This observation is not to compare us with an astrological influence or a pagan belief, but to show the metaphorical relationship between people and nature; much like the Japanese Shinto belief. It is said that people who are like air are flighty, fickle and that people who are like earth are solid and dry. People reflective of water are sensitive and mobile, and people who are like fire are well...you know. I suppose that the pondering of these representations are coming from my recent experience in light of the advice I had been given.

In many spiritual pursuits "fragment" is a dirty word. Fragment is the implication that one is not "one" and therefore removed from God, Dharma, or interconnectivity. I spoke in my last entry about the fragmentation of my being and how I believe that comes into play with our intangible self. Spiritually, we are supposed to be aiming at aligning those fragments, so they are no longer pieces, but are eventually a whole. I also discussed in previous entries that I believe when we are born we are born whole, and we work our entire lives, or in some beliefs many lives, to recover those pieces. The point: we are all trying to return to “whole” in our own way. The journey to retrieve ourselves and our connection to the infinite is filled with many currents. One can never be lost but only adrift. I find that we are caught in different elemental traps, such as the whirlpool of emotion, the gust of thought, the stubbornness of imbedded rock, or the burning desire of...well, you know.

Per some wise advice I understood that we only get pruny when we hang out in the water too long.

I was starting to wrinkle.

When we try to merely balance the disconnect we lose sight of the whole. The act of trying to balance disconnection is an act of rationalization. I think that rationalization is part of the journey onward, the assessment and integration of occurrences in our lives, but to linger in any one fragment is to be caught in the whirlpool. Soon we observe, process, rationalize, and integrate so much that we force an imbalance of self and interconnectivity.
I was angry that I had to stop thinking so much. Writing about my thoughts, thinking and analyzing my circumstance and environment were a comfortable and familiar element.

Its nice and warm in the water, I don’t want to get out, mom!

Then I realized. I was spinning in my thoughts. The scrutiny of my depression was preventing me from feeling the depression. If emotions are only considered in thought, then they can never truly be integrated or released. As a result, we spend our time trying to rationalize and "balance" the tear, instead of realigning our true self with the infinite. There is no need to force a balance if we can just be.

Self is a subjective and relative experience
as well as an objective and natural existence.

In true fight or flight fashion, I used rationalization as a tool to stave off the overwhelming feelings of the unfamiliar; and I don’t mean octopus legs on a stick and engrish. It was the unfamiliarity of grieving for the lack of physicality of my loved ones and the opportunity of time on my hands.

Advice when given is seldom ever new news. We all have it in us, (we are all part of the flow) but most often, the best advice, is one that we have to be reminded of. The recollection is a reminder that we are all part of the same whole.

Like the elements, we all know what to do. We are all part of something bigger, whether you call it God, Dharma, or Nature. We all know how to swim. We don’t have to learn; we just have to be reminded. Our intangible is put into place to keep us connected, not to work against us. I suppose that the best advice is to stop fighting the current, but to remember that we are not just water; we are also air, earth and fire. If we maintain all elements at once, then we can never be stuck for too long.

The past three weeks I choose experience over thought. I drove spontaneously to Oirase Gorge, which is said to be the most beautiful place for foliage viewing in Japan. My friend and I walked along the path taking in the elements at every turn. I stopped at the edge of the stream where leaves were pooling around a rock. I could see my reflection in the water. The reflection is not so austere when seen this way. The soft contours of my face shook with every breath of the wind. The warmth of the sunlight gave the illusion of a glow beaming from behind.

This is all I have of this moment, because that is all that it was,
And all that it should be.

Fragments of Self

[I have asked myself repeatedly why my adaptation to Japan seems so different than my peers. I look around me and see others reliving their college experience, traveling around or outside the country, experiencing life here with a zest for displacement. I have written about most of my experiences in life being something spiritual; always looking for the deeper meaning behind actions, situations, relationships, and choices. As I fumble through living each day I evaluate the "whys". I have crossed over through the looking glass only to realize that I am only staring at my reflection on the other side.]

I have grown weary of the emotional roller coaster I have been living on. I am grateful for the ability to examine my feelings in depth. I have spent more time sobbing than smiling in the past few weeks, but I recognize this as a form of purging, not unhappiness. A good friend once gave me wise advice. She told me that when you are confused, when you are upset, it is a great thing, because it means that your mind and body is sorting something out. Searching for answers.
In my personal disarray, I have entertained many notions and "why's". I have met some very intimidating thoughts that I never would have expected to entertain as a result of moving to a foreign country. For example, I have begun to explore the idea that I have inherited the same disease that my father has. I have always been afraid of losing sound mind, of being crazy. I have spent years approaching the explanation of "crazy" from a spiritual stand point. I have only believed self-medication and chemical imbalance to be symptoms, not the cause. In this thought, that I, am capable of being clinically depressed (that I am clinically depressed), I begun to dissect the issue in search of the cause. One aspect that my fahter and I do not share is the ability to self reflect and to cope with my discoveries in a healthy way. Still, that does not negate my negative thoughts, the impulse to burst into tears, or my anti-social behavior.
I could spend my time justifying my actions, chalking each emotion up to something horrible that has happened in my life, or live under the umbrella that I miss my family and friends, but that would be nominal, because one thing I have discovered for sure, is that I have felt this way my whole life.

In an effort to utilize my location, I revisited Showa Daibutsu (The tallest Buddha statue in Japan, just a few minutes from my house). Being there certainly gives me a sense of inner peace. I enjoy reading the mantras and I find solace in the meanings. I decided to purchase one of the texts by Ryuko Oda, a venerable priest of Esoteric Buddhism here in Aomori. My spiritual pursuits have provided me with a sense of direction over the years. Engaging in that exploration has once again helped me to find comfort, but the teachings in Oda's book prompted me to think about the cause of my depression.

I have never been a believer in absoluteness. I have always been a believer in ideas. In many religion's and spirituality's, including Buddhism, there is an absolute power. Even science boasts a sense of absolution through its pursuit of accountability. What I do believe in though, much like science, and much like spirituality, is creation. I believe that we have all been created. Right now I am not interested in why or how; what I am interested in is "what". What are we made of? Science has told us that we are made of flesh, bone, and about 60% water. Religion tells us that we are made of God by God. None of these ideas explain in depth the dimensions of what we are though. Although both have formulated explanations, nothing can be proven about the intangible. That is what I want to know. The intangible is what makes us crazy or depressed. It is the gamut of emotions that we all feel as humans. Science describes the intangible emotion as the chemical actions in the limbic system of our brains. Spirituality describes it as something left, for example, in Esoteric Buddhism, the intangible results from karma, which is derived from dharma or the universal law. So then, what are we made of intangibly?

I began to develop an idea about our intangibility when I was reading about the Buddhist belief of relinquishing ego: destroying self. Although I have been aware of this component in Buddhism, when I read it this time, it evoked a personal struggle in me. Aside from my opinion on the idea of destroying self and ego, what is poignant is how I began to define self during my contemplation of the idea. I started to visualize the different parts of self. Not the notion of likes and dislikes or how unique and special we all are, but the dimensions that we live in emotionally; intangibly. It seems that emotional life itself is multidimensional in two ways: sensory and perception. Most can attest to a multi sensory emotional life where our emotions are stimulated by instances like the sight of our children being born, the smell of a package from a loving atmosphere when opened, or the sound of a melody equated with a memory. I think most are aware of only the multi sensory process; base emotional information and response on a subconscious level. Multi perception though, is another multidimensional facet, and processes how we perceive our self, and who we aspire to be. I believe we are comprised of 6 dimensions of perceptive self: Fantasy, Actuality, Subjectivity, Objectivity, Projection, and Reality. These 6 components create opinion and ultimately perception.

Fantasy
Fantasy is the most important part of self I believe. Fantasy is where we create our goals. It provides a world full of perfection for us; fulfilling situations, peace, security in relationships, confidence. The list is full of endless possibilities. Fantasy is the place in our minds where we visualize who we want to be and how we want to feel.

Actuality
Actuality is the subconscious recognition of our environment, surroundings, and situations as they truly exist. I believe that although our minds are capable of observing and processing the true nature of our lives, we seldom acknowledge it. I do not list people in this category because I do not believe that people can be seen in a purely definitive light. One cannot completely be aware of every component of another person and people, blinded by subjectivity and other parts of multidimensional self, cannot see themselves in a completely objective state.

Subjectivity
Subjectivity is the way in which we exist in the actuality of our surroundings. It is our biases, our actions and reactions, it is the way in which we allow circumstance to affect us.

Objectivity
Objectivity is the conscious attempt to remain judgement free and assess life as it truly exists.

Projection
Projection is the intention to realize what we aspire to be and how we aspire to feel. It is thought of action towards changing self, whether through additive or subtractive means. This is where we feel optimism.

Reality
Reality is our individual assessment of life based on the combination of each of the perceptive dimensions and the multi sensory information input we acquire.

All 6 dimensions along with multi sensory information create our perception of the world and how we exist in it. These components are communicated within ourselves and with others through three vehicles: Thought, Physiological reaction, and Emotion. The analysis of these components, how you assess the information you acquire, is what makes you you.

Now in matters of depression or being "crazy". When these components do not add up, then self "splits". I think that the severity of the split, and of course other chemical and physical issues, warrants the degree of emotional discourse. For example, in my present situation, I have experienced a split in self when I removed myself from my reality. This does not mean that my reality was safe and secure and this new one is barbaric and threatening. I am not suggesting that reality is a lucid dream full of rainbows and no pain (although for some this is a state of denial). But people are able to create a reality that copes with the pains of life, that explains and validates it. Although it may be uncomfortable, we find ways to coexist. We spend our whole lives building those fortresses, I am simply saying that I left mine.

For some, I think the tear is to drastic, too vast. This results in full blown illnesses like schizophrenia, manic depression, and bipolar disorder. For others, the tear is like that tiny hole in your shirt that is just a hair shy of the seam. In this way, the only variance of sanity is dependant on the size of the tear, and we all are capable of insanity. By size of "tear" I do not mean the situation or circumstance that pushes one over the edge, some experiences that seem small in magnitude can be enormous for others. The tear is the width of disconnect that exists between each dimension.
So in becoming my own case study, I realized that I removed myself from my reality, and that caused part of the tear. But that only goes so far. What about the rest of my life? Why have I always secretly battled with depression, isolation, and mild bipolar feelings? There are other rips in the fabric of self. I believe that the most prominent tear for me, and quite possibly most people, is the disconnect between fantasy, actuality, and reality.

I explained that actuality is the world as it actually exists, and although we observe and process that information, we seldom acknowledge it. This doesn't mean that it doesn't find ways to creep from our subconscious into our consciousness. When that information seeps through, it is a huge shock to our intangible paradigm. We did not make room for that information in our reality, and suddenly, we must choose to embrace and integrate it or suppress it. Either way, that information has an impact on our other dimensions, effecting the fantasy portion the most profoundly. Depending on the type of information received, it can support or crush our fantasies; our hopes and dreams for self. Consequently, that is why many people choose to suppress it, but unfortunately, this perpetuates discourse. Some people diverge the information to objectivity, which is pertinent, but impossible to stay solely in that dimension. Whether we like it or not, we are also intangible beings unable to prove any real certainty of emotion and therefore cannot speculate the actuality of everything. Our only real option is to incorporate the information into our fantasy and shift our reality. If the disconnect is too large, then this can create disillusion on a grand scale, if it is small, then ultimately we are lying to ourselves. Or are we?

The idea when dealing with self is to maintain a healthy balance of disconnect. To not let the tear grow too big, but, to not sew them all up so we can continue to challenge our reality. Not challenging our reality is just as crazy as avoiding actuality. While I am here in Japan, I am discovering an old run in my stockings because it grew to big to wear them any more. I am shifting my reality, and yes, its been painful, but necessary for my growth. My very wise friend was right when she said that confusion and pain is neccessary. This epiphany is the result of my two weeks of depression. Am I cured? No. However, I got on my bike yesterday and rode through the city streets with the sun on my face. I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost two weeks. I let myself feel the freshness of the air in my lungs as my legs pumped the pedals on my bike. I rode down windy and narrow streets admiring the charms of old japan. I stopped into a small second hand boutique where a seamstress was sewing custom kimonos by hand. A couple was kneeling on the tatami looking at fabric patterns for their wedding. I let myself merge my dimensions of fantasy, actuality, and reality. I tried on a kimono and looked at myself in the reflection of the shop window. In actuality, I was wearing a stained second hand kimono, standing on a sidewalk looking in a dusty old window, but I was beautiful. 6 years ago I imagined myself in Japan, wearing a traditional kimono, in love, peaceful, feeling alive. I did that yesterday. Maybe not as I fantasized exactly, but I felt it. I felt connected to something. I saw the intangible. What I was made of in that moment was something words cannot describe. I bought the kimono for 100 yen.

There isn't any one thing that is going to heal me. Not even myself. There isn't a drug or faith that is going to present all of the answers. This is life. This is the actuality. But, I believe, that the recognition of multi dimensional perception provides us with an opportunity to experience living. It doesn't have to always be fulfilling, easy, appealing, or peaceful. Maybe it can be, but maybe that is why I have been experiencing the roller coaster of emotions my whole life, because I don't want it to be.

Through the Looking Glass

Almost two months have passed since I have been in Japan and time has begun to march on just as it would in any typical daily routine. Days pass as I repeat the same sequence of events: waking up, showering, going to work, teaching, sitting in traffic, eating dinner, and light reading or a movie before bed. On one flip of the coin I am moving through the universal experience; setting up and knocking down the familiar. Of course, every coin has its tails, and as Alice discovered, every mirror has its reflection.

Appeasing my daily routine, I browsed through facebook this morning.
A friend of mine and a brilliant writer posted an exert from Lewis Carroll, more specifically, from Alice in Wonderland. His post reminded me of my favorite Lewis Carroll piece: the "Jabberwocky". The "Jabberwocky" always appealed to me because of its curious structure and definition, and also Carroll's unparalleled use of portmanteau. Many of us are aware of portmanteau linguistics today, but through cheesy and annoying advertising that places words like "Chillaxin" into the English lexicon. Carroll, however, had an innovative way of placing two words together to mean one thing, and referred to this approach as the balance of two words at the same time. This method was sheer perfection for a story like Alice's, which was the demonstration of what happens when worlds collide, or more importantly, when we realize that the end of the line is actually the beginning.

What interests me about Alice and her journey in Through the Looking Glass is the premise that she never really left reality, that reality (based on the idea that reality is relative) and actuality simply merged, which gave her the illusion that she traversed into a world of nonsense. When looked at through the usage of portmanteau, words like "mimsy" seem irrational, but when you understand that it is the merger of "flimsy" and "miserable" and the word is placed appropriately in a sentence, it makes perfect sense.

The merger of words leads into the merger of perceptions, and alike the merger of worlds.

For me, Japan is my parallel universe. I, like Alice, stepped through the looking glass. As I float through the monotony of modern living, I am surrounded by my reality of familiar themes. I go shopping in a supermarket and cook my own meals. I live in an apartment on the third floor and arduously carry groceries up the stairs. I drive a car and take weekend trips. I go to work and teach students. My life, is paralleledby another existence though; by the actuality of my surroundings. Hence, two worlds collide.
I always looked at the mirror wondering what it was like on the other side. The reflection that stared back wasn't quite me, how could it be? It looked like I did, but different, it moved its lips like mine, but the reply was incomprehensible. In that difference was another world filled with possibilities. A world that I have never known. I decided that by just simply glaring at my reflection everyday I would never truly know. I must get to the other side. I must go through the looking glass.
As I began to cross over I thought to myself that many people believe that there is only two sides to the looking glass, but a mirror is like a menagerie; it is contains endless reflections when presented with itself.
When I stepped through the glass time stood still, it remained daylight during the times when it should not be day. I crossed over the farthest point on the earth in a short matter of time.
I arrived on the other side to discover that I had lost a whole day.
At first glance everything resembled the image that I left. But of course, I am on the other side of the glass, just by mere principal things cannot be the same. People look like people, but they are different. It is clear that I am not from this side of the mirror. When they talk they use words but the words do not have meaning to me and it sounds like pure nonsense. Grocery stores look like grocery stores but are filled with items that I cannot identify. I have an apartment that is devoid of central heating and requires me to manually light a pilot for the stove, faucet, and shower. Trips take twice as long as I have a maze of riddled language and directions to conquer. Students realize that I am from the other side of the glass and struggle to find ways to relate to me. There is a gamut of emotion that is felt when one steps through the looking glass. Much like Alice, I feel so many different emotions everyday, and some days you are so busy trying to figure out what a momerath is, that you cant feel anything at all. Quite frankly, at times, it makes me want to stab myself with a spork.
For Alice, she was desperately looking for answers to make sense of the nonsense that she found. But in reality, she went through the looking glass to make sense of the nonsense she already knew. She discovers that the whole time she is struggling against the nonsense from the latter side of the glass, that she simply is working back to square one. What she doesn't know is that her journey was actually an assessment of which nonsense is more sensible in her own reality. The epiphany is that the parallel universe exists within ourselves, the reflection can only exist within the mirror. As you shift the position of the mirror you absorb more or less light, more or less reflections. What I am looking for is what position will refract all points of light. How can I repair the disconnect between the nonsense. How can I be all dimensions at all times?
I think this was the juxtaposition between Carroll and portmanteau linguistics. The reason the word can be balanced is because it is one of the same, yet, completely different. Carroll managed to bridge each facet of the mirror, for him, there was no going through the looking glass, because it existed everywhere. For Alice, she just needed to figure that out. In some way, Japan has turned the mirror for me, shown light on another dimension. It appears to be made of nonsense, of cultural difference, but I believe that is the illusion and I am here to find my distinction in a thousand points of light.