So after the hard revelation of my last emotional kick in the ass I had resigned myself to a little soul searching. Having acknowledged my feelings of self-worth, there was nothing much left to do but recall why I had come to Japan. Where did all that excitement go? (frankly, I never did back flips, although that isn't in my nature, except for the little things, like when Phil got to see really big boobs). I spent the next few days, after my apex of emotional disarray in which I was crying hysterically while cleaning my shower, forcing myself to do things that replenished my sense of self sufficiency. Luckily for me, being the head strong "Me do it" that I am, I often found myself biking or walking home alone when I felt an iota of boredom in the crowd. This was the magic. In these bikes and walks, I had found quiet within myself; something
necessary when asking yourself questions like "Why am I really here?". And this is where a person like me is quietly amused by the charm of Japan: like a little girl who has just indulged in her first lick of a cherry flavored lollipop. I realized in the stillness of the night, with street lights shone against the trusses and roof tops of simplistic architecture, that a duality was shaping.
The first aspect was the solemn comfort of being alone. The opportunity to reflect on myself, not just with feelings or thoughts, but to let the energy of these buildings, people, and landscapes reflect unto me as well. The second, was the chance at a real exploration into ideas and beliefs that grant me great interest. This was not a book checked out from my local library, no discovery channel here, and certainly more than just the photography and advice I received from previous visitors. This was my Japan, a place seen with my own eyes and felt with my own heart.
I have been taking that notion and letting it lead me, and slowly, a new dimension has reveled itself. This is why I came to Japan. I have been seeking out the sacred and peaceful. Now don't get me wrong, I could write a list of things that are far from sacred and peaceful here, for real, some shit is just ass backwards; to me. But I didn't come here to let the daily frustrations of life eat at me. I didn't come here to tickle culture shocks fancy. I came to seek balance in the sacred and profane, and so that is what I have set out to do.
I rode my bike yesterday to a place called Gappo Park here in the city. I sat down over a cigarette after work and mapped out my course. Letting the fear of getting lost go to the wayside, I hopped on my bike and leisurely rode. The park is lined with windy paths, Japanese buildings, small gardens of various flowers, and tall beech trees. At the edge of the tree line is a beach that runs along the Mutsu Bay. I ambled along the paths until I reached the beach, parked my bike, and rolled up my pant legs. When I emerged onto the sand the view captivated me. To the right of me was a gorgeous mountain line with precipitous slopes and hues of blue and green. I was so enthralled by the majesty of these peaks, (hey, peaks, synonymous with boobs), and realized how peaceful I felt. It was easy to see how belief systems like Shinto evolved here.
I spent some more time strolling around the park, watching young boys catch massive cray fish from one of the ponds, trying to talk to them about it and embarrassed by my lack of coherent Japanese. I took some pictures of the pergola's and bamboo structures, and then I headed back home, this time confident in my path.
I can recall now why I came to Japan for a year. I remember my axiom that the universe will provide.
Tonight I am heading out to the Shinto shrine in the city. On my bike. Maybe the universe has the next clue hidden there.
