I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do this.
Today is Thanksgiving.
When I left I knew very well that I would be missing occasions, happenings, and gatherings. So I swore: I am not going to be that person who writes melancholy and trite ramblings about missing home on the holidays.
Luckily I am keeping my word. Sort of.
I had always been that person who believes it is so much easier when other people are not a fraction of the equation. Out of sight out of mind. I entertained the idea of being away for the holidays for a year or maybe longer. Suffice it to say I was okay with it. Quite frankly I yearned for solitude. I sought out a path that would lead me to isolation. One in which I could live freely without the tangled web woven by relationships. When time moves, it moves for me. My isolation thus far has been a painful and rewarding experience as well. Time not only moves for me; it also pauses and transcends.
I reached a significant point in my journey in the past few weeks. It seems that years of sifting the wheat from the chaff has finally paid off and I have found a vibration that integrates my inner and outer life. I have found ways to utilize my time, because inadvertently, my time is all that exists. I have reached goals that I had once only dreamed of; I quit smoking without any difficulty, returned to my passion for swimming, put my long years of schooling to good use, and created beautiful pieces of art. It’s truly amazing to me and I have spent many moments in awe of my good fortune. I find it ironic, that in one instance I can cry hysterically for the blessing that the universe has bestowed on me; a poor trailer kid from a dysfunctional life whose dreams have come true, while in the next occurrence, I am so depressed and self-loathing, that all I can feel is deep sadness. But in this paradox of emotion, the very essence of self reflection and long periods of time being alienated, help me to understand that the constant flux is representative of something whole. I am grateful for the ability to feel everything in abundance. So, in retrospect, while I sit in my living room, after I just completed one of my favorite paintings, I take in the moment. I sit in total solitude. My painting hanging to dry, drinking a cup of Japanese tea, “Subterranean Homesick Alien” by Radiohead playing in the background, and I realize the perfection of the moment. The slightly askew meter of my life.
I woke up this morning fighting the sadness of not being home for the holidays. Marveling at the lie I have always told myself about hating the holidays. About hating my family life. About how I constantly isolated myself. Realizing in one of those pedestrian moments, that I have always longed for those times. Times when I could say, “I have somewhere I belong”.
Bittersweet. Right now, I belong here, but only now. Temporarily. Forever, I belong home. I belong in the hearts of the people I love. And love renews. As my day went on, I received news that my nephew was born. A beautiful new life; a colossal addition to the ubiquitous love that binds my family. So as I sit in my moment of thanks for all the things that surround me… for the merger of my universal soul… the perfection of the moment lies askew. Feeling so uplifted, but yearning to be with my family. To meet my nephew, to tell my brother I love him, to praise my sister-in-law, and to give thanks along side of my family and friends.
Oh, time, how you play fool to no one.
But what you give in exchange for your unruly behavior is the ephemeral moment of perfection and the indestructible evolution of love. The first moment my brother and sister-in-law looked in their son’s eyes, the toast for another year of thanks, and the space in between where I am sitting right now.
