Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Karma Child

    When I think of Buddha, I like to think of this state of existence represented as a child. Children, when left to their own devices, are the quintessential embodiment of freedom, peace, and happiness. When a child is untouched by others insecurities and fears, the natural condition is that of compassion, love, and harmony. As an early childhood educator, I often would integrate a large portion of free play, as well as very loose lesson plans, to encourage critical thinking and to support self-exploration. Watching the children, I would often remark quietly to myself about how "in tune" they are with the natural and humane. Children have an untouched and unexploited sense of compassion, and help others simply out of instinct and genuine concern. I believe children naturally recognize during the formative years, that when they are part of a family, friendship, or classroom, they are part of a community, and although they are aware of differences, value the similarities above all else. Many would argue, that they have seen two year olds who scream "MINE" when they are supposed to be sharing with siblings, or who throw tantrums when they do not get their way, and this is all true, but I ask, just how natural these reactions actually are, and if, they are early learned behaviors. Belief systems such as Buddhism, and Theorists such as James Hollis, author of "The Middle Passage, support the idea that children and the desires they formulate, are heavily influenced by parent messages. If desire is an intrinsic instinct, I argue that the ability to detach from desire and see beyond our own ego is equally as predominant, and that it is imperative that parents and educators understand the course of their actions with children.


Many of the students I have shared with, come into the classroom with an ego already in place, not because they were born with a chip on their shoulder, but because they have already been exposed to experiences which warranted ego based reactions, and have begun to create behavioral patterns. For Example, a four year old boy in my preschool class was very shy and emotionally sensitive. He would react severely in fits of tears and sometimes rage when he was the center of attention, feeling as though he was the butt of some inside joke. Whether the other children were laughing with him or complimenting him, regardless, he was extremely affected by this fear of being the center of attention. Many teachers, including his parents, would roll their eyes and say "Oh, he is so sensitive" or "Oh, he is just shy". They would even tell him that he was just being "a baby". It is so easy to resign ourselves to "He was just born that way, it is naturally who he is" and even easier for the parents and teachers to tell him so. I do not believe in this approach. I would watch him play with the other children in quiet moments and he was strong, intelligent, and confident. He was kind and enjoyed sharing, cooperating with his friends to create block buildings or imaginative play. He was also incredibly intelligent and surpassed many of the other students in terms of his ability to retain information. But while I was taking the time to observe this child, I also took the time to observe his environment, and took note of his behavior around his parents and other adults. He was clingy and submissive with his mother. He acted like the baby. With his father he was cool and tough. Both parents were conditioning this child to react in ways they felt were appropriate. Not only was this child confused, but was also learning that it was inappropriate to be himself...whoever that was. It caused him to second guess his judgment and instincts, and made him feel embarrassed and afraid when he thought others were calling attention to his behavior, most likely because he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. In one instance I realized that although his parents loved him very much, their attachments sent subconscious messages to him to be both a man and a baby. And unfortunately for this student, even his teachers fed into the confusion, by validating what his parents projected. When he engaged in afflicted behavior in their presence, they would feed into his actions with their own afflicted emotions. It was a vicious cycle. Inevitably, they were at their wits end with his "misbehavior". But I saw a much different child when he was with his classmates. It took almost 3 years to make the classroom safe and supportive enough by his terms, for him to able to not react in afflicted ways. The last few months I had with him were amazing. Unfortunately, he still reacted to his parent messages instantaneously when they walked through the door.

Now it may seem that I am bashing parenting skills, but to the contrary, I am only surmising a point: That our parents’ choices and consequences are passed on to us. Some belief systems, like Buddhism, suggest that we carry over Karma from past experiences and lifetimes. Choices and actions we have made in previous circumstances, dominated by cause and effect, stay with the physical energy of the universe, and never fully go away; until we change the pattern of reaction. The Dalai Lama discusses this in his book "How to see yourself as you really are", as a natural phenomenon of the universe; he proposes that the mistake we make as humans is in ..."These two extremes- the exaggerated notion that phenomena exist under their own power, and the denial of cause and effect- [they] are like chasms into which our minds can fall, creating damaging perspectives...". (Hopkins, p.69) For instance, we can see cosmic occurrences and reactions through high-powered telescopes that have happened thousands and millions of years before. This matter and energy does not simply disappear as time marches on. Everything is relative. Most can agree whether one is religious, spiritual, or atheist, that we are not omniscient. If the matter of the universe and cosmos is not completely eradicated, the same biochemical’s and matter in which we all have been made from, what makes us think that our molecular being, and the consequences of our actions, should be dissolvable.

Our actions, from other lifetimes or immediate action, still have an effect on self and others (especially our children), and from this comes a Buddhist term "Ingwa na ko". (Hearn, p.174) Ingwa na ko, a term discovered in Lafcadio Hearn’s book “In Ghostly Japan”, translates from Japanese to English as "A Karma Child" and refers to a child of misfortune. "Ingwa" is a Japanese low class term for a child who has been born with physical or mental challenges, or in a great circumstance of poverty. (p.174) Buddhism utilizes this term meaning the passing of a parent’s bad karma onto the child. I agree, that it sounds rather harsh to think that a child who is severely physically or mentally challenged is the result of parent’s poor choices, and so I do not wish to be misunderstood, but what I do believe, is that all children are born in a Buddha state. A Buddha state is considered to be

"An ordinary person awakened to the true nature of life, and experiencing absolute happiness and freedom within the realities of daily life. Indestructible joy, unlimited wisdom, courage, compassion, creativity and life force.” (http://www.sgi-uk.org/index.php/buddhism/tenworlds)

This implies that all children have the opportunity to change bad karma; that they enter this vibration with purity in their hearts, and it is we, as adults, that taint them. Our choices, as parents or educators, family members, friends, or guides, bear weight on children, no matter what perspective we see it in. In terms of Karma and parent messages, I do not believe that there is a right or wrong scenario to follow. Experience is invaluable, and the most effective lessons learned come from the direct experience, but this is not to say that in order to learn we must suffer. Children can learn through positive experiences and personal freedom. Pain and anger are not a prerequisite for growth. In the Buddhist belief system, it is said that the root of all suffering comes from our attachment to desires, and the afflicted emotions that result. Desire encompasses emotions that seem obvious, such as lust or greed, but what many do not realize is that it also involves a false sense of love. Many people mistakenly perceive strong attachments to the people they love, such as jealousy, control, and loyalty as strength; as a testament of how much they love another. In truth, these emotions stem from our desires, and our insecurities, and in turn, send harmful messages to our children. The Buddhist proverb for this is "Ko wa Sangai no kubihase.": A child is a neck -shackle for the Three States of Existence.

The three states of existence imply past, present, and future but more directly, desire, form, and formlessness. Lafcadio Hearn, in his extensive studies on Japanese Buddhist proverb explains,

"...That is to say, the love of parents for their child may impede their spiritual progress — not only in this world, but through all their future states of being, — just as a kubiktai, or Japanese cangue, impedes the movements of the person upon whom it is placed. Parental affection, being the strongest of earthly attachments, is particularly apt to cause those whom it enslaves to commit wrongful acts in the hope of benefiting their offspring." (Hearn, p.183)

Parenting, as well as teaching, has evolved throughout history from an exercise in guidance or assistance, into a co-dependency to suffice insecurities, and ultimately pass on karma. James Hollis reflects this ideal in his book "The Middle Passage": "The conclusions about one's self and the world are clearly based on the very limited experience of a specific set of parents responding to particular issues." (Hollis, p.12) Hollis alludes to the belief that parent messages, much like the Buddhist belief of karma, clearly dictate a child's mental, spiritual and emotional growth, conditioning a child's behavioral patterns, desires, and existence. What was once a practice of assisting in the continuation of our species, and learning how to cohabitate with each other, has been subject to centuries of emotional suffering. Children are expected to learn very early on about pain and negativity, so much so, that they lose sight of what is valuable and natural. As Hollis states, "Even in early childhood, a growing split develops between our inherent nature and our socialized self." (p.14) I will go beyond this and also say that the initial nature of the child is not even inherent, but simply is a natural existence of being. Is this a question between nature and nurture? No, this is an issue of the exploitation of nature. Hollis also recognizes the grasp a child’s mind has on an elevated state beyond immediate circumstances. He acknowledges the "Provisional Personality" we create from adult behaviors as "...a series of strategies, chosen by the fragile child to manage existential angst."(p.10) This statement certainly suggests that children have the capacity to entertain existentialism, and do so actively, which also supports the idea that a pure state does exist in children initially. Despite calling this period a Buddha state or simply pre-exposure to adult affliction, children have a fresh opportunity when they are born to formulate positive choices and lead authentic lives. Due to these parent (or adult) messages, children build their entire life on false desires, expectations, and afflicted emotions. They do not lead genuine lives, one built on a harmonized and truthful perception. I believe that the theory of messaging and karma goes beyond parenting; the responsibility lies within us all: family members, friends, strangers, and especially educators. In both Hollis' theory and Buddhist belief, people are all interconnected. Both recognize the existence of cause and effect, and the consequences of our choices, both positive and negative.

Many children begin to have separated lives at a young age. I do not mean to say that they are torn in dysfunctional or unorthodox family environments. What I am suggesting is that the players in a child’s life; family, school, community, are not in accordanance with each other. Children may go to school and experience one level of living, while returning to an entirely contradictory one at home. And this works both ways; educators are just as capable of passing bad karma and messaging on to students as are parents. When I was a child, I was often left to my own mind while living with my mother. I spent most of my time alone, playing, pretending and the like. My parent messages at home were that I was to be self-sufficient. Coping and problem solving were most often my own responsibility. While at school though, my kindergarten teacher found me to be anti-social, hyperactive, and disobedient. It was her suggestion to my parents that I should be taken to a doctor for examining. I remember some of my experience in her classroom; I remember simply wanting to sit and draw, observe my surroundings. I thought it quite odd that I was in this place with a bunch of kids I never saw outside of school. I wondered where did they all go...did they have a mom and dad that lived together? Did they live in a house? An apartment? Who were these people really?

I passed kindergarten that year, but I knew that I was not well liked by my teacher, who had no problem telling me that I SHOULD be doing this or that, essentially, assisting me in feeling not "normal". At home, even though it was a precarious place for me, I felt normal, I felt like me. She certainly passed on a message to me; I was not like the other kids; I was abnormal. That stayed with my self-image all throughout my school life. In contrast, as my home life became very tumultuous in junior high school, my 7th grade English teacher was extremely kind, took the time to let me express myself through creative writing, even if the assignment wasn’t adhered to letter by letter, and I found that class gave me great comfort and support at a very fearful time in my life. I believe she also passed on a message, perhaps one that was rooted in her good karma, perhaps one that was able to love me as her student without any attachment, but regardless, it was affective. What would have been even more effective, would be a life that mirrored, not separated.

The separation that children suffer is not circumstantial. Children can come from many different backgrounds, races, religions, and environments and still will require a unity of elders. It is our responsibility as educators, parents, and community members to recognize our own desires and afflicted emotions so that we do not pass our negative karma and messages on to our children. In many ways, we need to understand the real meaning of love. "Complete love..." according to the Dalai Lama, "...is based not on attachment but on altruism, which is the most effective response to suffering." (Hopkins, p.11) Since the world consists of so many children who have been torn from grace, it is essential that we let go of our own insecurities and attachments, recognize children as beings, not as our property or a crutch, and love them in a pure and empathetic way. Children will be subject to one of two fates in this lifetime; maintaining a pure state from birth or reconnecting thereafter. Hollis points out that "the child who lived up to the parent’s expectations may have lost his or her soul along the way." (Hollis, p.16) As people, let us share one collective consciousness that perpetuates a supportive, healthy environment for children to learn and grow that does not force our adult beliefs, ideas, biases, and emotions on our children. Let our classrooms extend outside the walls of our homes and institutions. Let our lessons be our own.

Food and clothes sustain
Body and life;
I advise you to learn
Being as is.
When it's time,
I move my hermitage and go,
And there's nothing
To be left behind.

-Layman P'ang

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

"Not all love songs are about others" Pt. 1

When I first arrived in Japan, all I could do was write. It seemed that I lost all other forms of communication; my words were meaningless, my renditions dry. I lacked all modes of expression other than putting my thoughts on paper (or Microsoft Word). Gradually, I began to speak a little Japanese and experiment with Ikebana, Mineral Watercolors, and Yoga. I came to understand many times over in life, that experience is necessary for transgression. What is truly tangible is only the expectation or reflection on the encounter. The intangible is in the process. Somewhere I transgressed from the thought to the experience…the tangible to the intangible. I was wrapped up in searching for a logical means to express my situation and perspectives. I was caught up in the phrase:
“Find yourself.”

How contradictory this is to the mediocre universe we live in. If we are self, then we have already been found. We are tangible aren’t we? We exist. What is there to find if not some illusion of perspective. I found that I could not simply settle in finding myself. I had to question the actual validity of self, and whether there was even something to be found. Is there such a thing as self?

At the risk of sounding crazy, I digress. I believe there are 3 fundamental parts to “self”:
Instinct
Intuition
Learned Behavior

Instinct is usually based on survival mechanisms. It can be argued though, that instinct and intuition are actually a combination of learned behavior; that we as a species base our natural attraction on the experiences we have. What if the desire to quench our thirst was actually a learned behavior and not simply based on a chemical reaction. What if we chose to dehydrate and die instead? The fact that we can even entertain the two choices shows that somehow we learned the outcome of both hydration and dehydration. Well, of course the idea here is that our bodies are programmed to promote the survival of our species. The point is that we have choice, and depending on the choice we make, we will condition self. I present this is such a primitive way because I believe that people are so far removed from and confused about basic awareness, that they cannot even begin to theorize what instinct is anymore, along with intuition.

Now somewhere along the way, we came to believe that the things we know, the actions we make, are all coming from a source. We assumed it was the “self”, and as our minds expanded, so did the idea of self. Self being defined as a source of instinct and intuition, based on our experiences, since the beginning of humankind. And so, just as our nature has been molded by the actions/reactions we share, the idea of self has been shifted as well.

If “self” is additive, then it is clearly made of parts. And if “Self” is simply a series of parts, then it truly does not exist concretely as a whole.

When someone is seeking self, they are actually seeking out all the parts that have contributed to the many perspectives and beliefs they have come to incorporate into existence. This is not a reflection on a whole. It is a reflection on humanity. Relationships with people, living things, places, ideas, and space are a relationship with your “self” in a non-segregated way. This suggests that there is no actual distinction of yourself separate from other things, because the very essence of you was made by everything that surrounds. Not all love songs are about others.

Now I will not detract away from the idea that we are individually in one body, but again, is that body not made of parts? And does that body not deteriorate and transform into another matter? The vessel we exist in is not solely indicative of the parts that propel it, both physically and metaphysically. I have written before about the attachment humans have formed to possession, and this includes bodies. We are responsible for bodies, thought, and emotions; collectively, but we do not own them, even in our own right. These parts will return to another state in due time and we cannot stop the process.

I have come to believe that the true meaning of finding yourself is the genuine definition of life. It is the path that we all take. It is not a co-existence, it is an existence. It is hard to fathom the idea that we are individual, parts, and aggregate while not being a “whole”. We are all responsible for the collective, by living directly with some fractions, and by being aware of all the parts. Perhaps the term “Finding yourself” would be better understood if stated as “Awareness”; Awareness as something transverse and ephemeral. I believe that much like the fraction of my experience in Japan, humanity has spent the first half of the journey so concentrated on survival, that they lost sight of awareness. During the second half, we have been engaged in the revelry of comfort and once again, we are neglecting awareness. Today, it is imperative that we transcend.

While I felt as though I was standing opposite a large boulder during the first few months of my time in Japan, my collective instinct and intuition found ways to move me forward into awareness. I transcended into extroversion and experience. I have been spending my remaining time here exploring the intangible. I have been understanding ways in which I am not myself. ..

Monday, March 15, 2010

The State of Compassion

"Mercy does not mean not being cruel or sparing people revenge or punishment; it means a plain and positive thing like the sun, which one has neither seen or not seen." -- G.K. Chesterton


        G.K. Chesterton, a writer and social commentary in London during the late eighteen hundreds, was known as a devout Catholic, who often questioned the values of man. His witty and observant essays reflect a variety of beliefs though, and I often find myself highlighting many of his antidotes as common sense knowledge. When Chesterton discusses the premise of mercy in his essay "A Piece of Chalk" he is commenting on the magnitude of virtuous humanity. He reflects that being merciful, or compassionate, is not made of actions of superiority, but in an all encompassing frame of mind; one that is as intangible as the direct witnessing of the sun. We are aware of its prescence based on the sensation of heat, on the illumination of the day, and on the series of reactions it causes on and outside of our planet, but we only can be sure of the sun through a combination of alternative senses.... Seeing is not the only proof for believing, because to see the sun, is to see it once removed.
        The idea of mercy and forgiveness is merely the acknowledgement of the sun. The power of compassion however, is the embodiment of the suns' presence in relation to us, and the gratitude that we share. The difference between mercy and compassion is a representation of our own false perceptions and desires and the attachments that we have to them. Mercy, is a word that I believe to be negative, it is an implication that one has a precedence over the other... towering... a point where the higher chooses to impart their virtue on the lesser soul. The meaning of such words as mercy and forgiveness have been exploited and misconstrued, like many natural aspects of humanity throughout time. Due to years of conditioning our species to feel superior, entitled, and self-loathing, people have grown far away from the authenticity of life, and have hidden behind facades and excuses of righteousness.
        Many people use a myriad of excuses, masked as human nature, to eradicate the validity of compassion. "An eye for an eye" is often seen as a justification for afflictive actions and behavior based on the natural law of cause and effect. However, when observing nature, is the equal and opposite reaction based on revenge, anger, and hate? If the apple falls and hits the ground was it done with a sense of malice from the tree? So quickly do we hide behind virtue and justice as a means for retaliation to validate our own lack of self-worth. When a person creates an action that affects us, it is we who process that action as something reflective of our own worth. If someone disappoints you, says negative things about you, or takes advantage of your kindness, then immediately most move to anger...Why? We view these actions as something against us. It seems a testament to how worthless we are, undeserving of love, or deserving of such plight. To feel disrespect is to feel we are not worthy of respecting. But this is in our own perception. Entertained in our minds. Regardless of whether or not other parties involved have that opinion of you, do you have that opinion of yourself? Some sources of pain and suffering may be distributed by others, but the reaction to and effect of that action belongs to us. It is our choice to feel pain. Only knowing this and not acting as a vengeful person is half the point. As the story of our lives unfold, and we become more aware, not only of what we are, what we are made of, and why we perceive and feel the ways in which we do, we also realize, that to simply just be aware is only the beginning.
        Chesterton, reinforces the idea that the idea of mercy is the result of our own manipulation tactics and attachments. It is an attachment to our ego and a method of false integrity. It makes us believe that we are more evolved, worthy, and better than the person who acts so immorally. Compassion on the other hand, is a natural sense of empathy for the counterpoints of us all; humanity and nature.
        When you are unattached to ego, when you are able to understand and implement self-actualization, at any stage, you are able to constitute compassion. Issues no longer become a question of "This was done to me". Now our words become "This happened". From this point we must see what "happened" in all parts; view life multi-dimensionally. Real compassion is an absence of afflictive emotions. Real compassion is a state of existence. Some remain constantly in this state, and others must remind themselves to revisit, but the more time we spend in compassion, the more we become it. It is a reconditioning of our being.
        For many, the refusal of compassion as life is affiliated with pride and ego. It is the perception that others actions were forced on us, and we will no longer be subject to victimization. Those who seek revenge and anger may feel empowered, but that empowerment only lasts for a short period of time, since the root cause has not been addressed: Self. We see those who do not seek revenge or feel anger as "wimps" or "push over’s". For some, submission may be a result of their own ego attachments, but I believe those who choose to overcome afflicting emotion and ego, generally find themselves subject less to negative situations. They have a clearer sense of intuition and happen among less precarious situations, because life is relative to their level of compassion and perception. The very refusal of compassion and authentic living is to live in subjection; it is the manifestation of existing as a sentient being.
        It seems to me, that the most predominant reason for being aware and not integrating compassion is fear. As we evolve in ways of security, comfort, and technology, we become less in tune with our natural instincts and move away from change. We no longer can hear our own intuition. Intuition is clouded by poor conditioning that has gone on for so long we consider it to be natural. People often say "I could never do that, I am not that kinda person", but I believe we are all "that kinda person". We are all capable of letting go of attachment, of living in a state of peace, and of being compassionate. In my experiences, when you let go of the expectation, of the inflated idea of comfort, and put compassion and love into everything you do, then life picks you up.
        Chesterton asserted that genuine mercy, and being a good person in every facet of life, is not a mundane and unreachable existence. In conjunction, I contend that because of false desires and distorted attachments to family, friends and self, which are based on our own self-depreciation, we prevent ourselves from living in a pure and compassionate manner. We prevent ourselves from experiencing peace. When someone has created an action that you see as disrespectful, remember that you are worthy of respect. When you contemplate forgiveness, remember that we are all made from equal parts, and so there is no merit to the sense of the word. When you are faced with anger, ask why you are so angry at yourself. Remember that people do not "earn" compassion and should not be categorized in levels of priority. We should be equally as compassionate to strangers as we would be to ourselves. This is a difficult concept for people to understand because of attachment to materialism, ego, and a sense of people as our property. Loyalty is a false sense of security and strength. We should not act "loyally" we should act compassionately.
        Words like mercy and forgiveness are positive concepts that have rooted from negative perspectives. The concept of forgiveness and mercy was derived from a situation or experience that warranted those very feelings. Words like anger, betrayal, disloyalty, and hurt are considered actions created by others who place these afflictions on us. The only word that holds the key to authentic love is compassion. When we realize that we are all interconnected and made of the same substances and matter, it may be easier to let go. When we remove ourselves from the complex entanglements that we have spun; from false beliefs and a twisted sense of self, then we will be able to not only give compassion, but invite it in as well.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Lotus

One overcast summer day, roughly a year and a half ago, I was visiting a Japanese garden in Millbrook, NY.  The sky was a pale gray and would occasionally offer a few rays of sunshine to shed light on this moment in time.  I was captivated by the beauty that surrounded me, and it gave a foreshadowing of what I thought was to come.  There were many shades of green and yellow, back dropped by the sound of trickling water falls and softly chirping birds.  I felt inspired, in love, and unconvinced as I walked on the tiny pebbles that led the winding paths. In the garden was a Lotus flower, which beckoned the eye to appreciate its contours.  I stood and pondered the Lotus, and admired its color and shape; the petals were large and white, with a thick green stem and imposing yellow stamen that jutted out from its core. But all the while I felt a nagging sense of boredom and disdain at my lack of intent interest.  No matter how hard I tried, my mind could not appreciate it's full beauty.  I did not understand why and what I was missing about this extraordinary specimen.  All I knew, all I let myself know, was the context I choose to view it in.  At that time in my life, the garden was not perceived with pure eyes.  And in melancholic recollection, all that surrounded me was truly a mirage.  Intuition was speaking to me that day, informing me with an obscurity of feeling, that what is truly beautiful cannot be seen askew.  I can remember a thousand days that have been haunted by such displacement.

As I move in my present life, all moments merge into a whirlpool of experiences.  They mix and meld to make a conglomerate of feeling and thought, and after separating the illusion from the query, I am presented with the barren truth.  I have pondered the detriments of attachment and stripped away my perceptions from objectivity.  I can bring instances in and out of consciousness at my leisure...and because of this, I am able to remove the attachment I have held throughout my experiences, and examine them from many points of view.  Some I surely have not seen, but only because I am not being honest with myself.  I am not willing to let go of an irrelevant action or thought that I have perceived to be an attack on my self-worth. 
When  the rhetorical questions of life are considered, I apply a loose perspective, realizing that bound thoughts create constricted ideas.  Are we simply here to live and die? I think so, and life is as stark as the question itself, but at the same time, is delicate and beautiful.  Does it all matter? Only if we give it power.  Although there is emptiness in the space between, we are not empty; it is simply just another part. 

By existing everywhere and nowhere in my thoughts and perceptions, I humbly accept truth.

I have found that the easiest place to start is in retrospect, where time has offered some relief of detachment and the initial stages of clarity.  I have discovered that the next portion of my journey involves applying this to things to come...
Often I make judgements and actions initially, and then, after consideration, realize that I have put myself in a position.  At some point I can see that my intuition has encouraging me to make a different choice, but I dismissed hearing the message.  I have also come to understand, that often I would confuse my intuition with my conscience, insecurities, fears, and ego.  This all seems contradictory, because in order to see things in truth instantaniously, one would need intuition to prevent making an afflicted choice.  It looks as though the only resolution is to practice building strength in intuition, by detaching myself from unnecessary thoughts and emotions, and freeing my existence from certain outcome.  And so I feel that choice is power, because although we are all interconnected to each other and nature, and cause and effect is very real, my parts have the capacity to choose.  I used to only see the same choices in front of me, black or white, shades of gray...but choices run deeper than a gradation of neutral tones. The choices we are presented with in life are not based on something permanent, nor or should they be assessed on a gut feeling or a fear of effect...  choices are multi-sensory, with various perspective, but are utterly simplistic and natural.  The accumulation of these intrinsic traits is intuition. 

The game that we have created for ourselves in life, as social human beings, involves polluting our own intuition while irresponsibly creating circumstances that effect others.  What we fail to comprehend, is by attaching ourselves to ego and the emotions that come along with it (jealousy, anger, lust), we devalue our own worth, and ignore truth.  Collectively, since we are integrated, we each contribute falsity, which prevents growth and awareness, and adds to a mountain of fabrication.  Some may call this the breeding of karma. 
I find, that when I am being honest, and am willing to understand things as they truly are, it is easier to let go of painful thoughts and emotions because I am addressing the real problem. When I accept that we are all interconnected, that my own personal value is irrelevant because there is no real physical law of possession, then my existence is genuine.

When I was in the garden that day, I was blinded by my own ego.  I was viewing the world under a false pretense. My attention was not on the presence of the flowers or the relationships between other elements.  My thoughts were focused on myself and the person I was with.  I was filled with a desire to make our relationship appear to be even more beautiful than the garden.  I wanted so badly for some sort of magic to take place, as if the miracle of life in this natural setting would create a miracle in his heart.  My intuition spoke faintly through a feeling of unease, but it was pushed aside...captivated by the possibility of romance, of being loved, of being admired....by someone or something outside of myself.  When all in all, we are made of the same matter, it is like asking my reflection to validate that I am alive.  As I looked at the Lotus flower, the one that stood out amongst all others, I could only see a flower.  I knew it was special.  What I couldn't see, was its beauty and existence, reliant on all of its parts, and all of the other elements in the garden that made it a piece in a collection. 
Now, I have come back to the Lotus in my mind. When I think of it, I see it in my minds eye, and I feel it with my minds eye.  It has soft but firm, large, white calyx...with subtle streaks of purple.  Each petal gently moves into a pointed tip on end and waxy green fronds extend from the bases.  Yellow stamen protrude from the center and hint at the viewer to poke fingers inside like a Chinese finger trap.  It's body is so capacious in relation to the other delicate flowers that to pluck it might take two hands. 
It is now that I feel I can really see the Lotus, I can observe it with intent, and feel confident that over time, I will continue to discover new parts.  The Lotus, moving around in my minds eye, brings me peace.  It is so many things...but mostly, a reminder that parts are interchangeable, malleable, and able to be transformed when seen as they really are.

Monday, January 25, 2010

It is snowing again outside. Usually you would find me complaining on end about the snowy winter here in Aomori. If you were in my car, you would be bombarded with my sarcastic remarks at every turn for every driver. I would be cursing and yelling about how much the weather stinks. As much fun as that is for me (and my friend Steve; he finds humor in my rants when I drive…in the snow), the miserable dreary weather looks different to me today.

I have always known that I am blessed. I feel fortunate that I have led a fruitful life spiritually, emotionally, and physically, no matter how difficult it has seemed. My journey to Japan, as I have stated so many times, is in large portion a journey of self-reflection and personal wisdom. I came here not only because I had the desire to learn about this culture and see far off places, but also because I sought out detachment and solitude. In correlation with my last entry, I was looking to apply many lessons I have learned, and to balance the outside with the inside. The first 6 months were extremely difficult. I spent my time purging old habits, and even though I sought out isolation for clarity, it was hard to be so far away from my loved ones. Despite the vicissitude of my experience, I learned so much… It shows that life is an ever present lesson, and no, we do not get a break. Life is built on teachable moments, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. Some of those lessons were unexpected for me, but this has made me all the richer…
So, why the retrospection?
I believe that it is equally as important to express our happiness as well as our plight. I had been trying for years to put myself together, in a healthy, genuine way. I struggled with living in subjection. I always envisioned myself living in a certain manner, but I could never achieve this life style, regardless of how wonderful my finances, emotional situations, or personal motivation was. Being here though, has provided me with the necessary concoction of ingredients needed for personal success. I am experiencing positive feelings that I have felt before but never in combination with each other. I am living in a way that I had only hoped for. I am aware that there are obstacles in my life, but I accept that.
I like where I am right now.
I am inner peace (because I cannot posses it, I can only be it.)

I like noting the moments as they pass.
When we realize that we are ruled by thought,
When we empower ourselves, and let go…
I know that I have the tools to take this with me…

Even when it snows.
Many Thanks…



Monday, January 18, 2010

Peace of mind

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no
--John Lennon

When my mind is racing, it is filled with thoughts, words, pictures and song. The past week I have been on a mental hamster wheel; running over and over the same thoughts and songs. And then last night, after some purging, I got up this morning with only one song floating around in an empty head. See the above. What I actually keep hearing is the long, drawn out breath John Lennon expels: “I’m soooo tired…”

I often feel this way after an intense emotional or mental workout. Exhaustion. I am so relived when my mind has finally drained the backed up thoughts in my head. I realized that if I wrote all of those thoughts down, I would come across seriously crazy, so I mull over them until they cease. What has been dominating my thoughts is the application of some new lessons learned, but also, old patterns that die hard. I find that there is a process when integrating new information into our consciousness and pushing out the old from our subconscious. For instance, last year, I integrated new information through self-reflection into my consciousness. It was there, but I wasn’t using it. I had a very difficult time manifesting what I knew. This year, I found myself utilizing the knowledge I gained. Somehow, over the course of time, I transferred that information from a simply conscious thought, (one where you know what is right, but you just keep doing the wrong anyway) into an intrinsic part of my subconscious. As I experience more and reflect more through out my life, awareness becomes increasingly present, and sometimes I feel like my mind has split right in two.

After my New Years experience, I had a plethora of new knowledge to synthesize into my being. It felt good, exciting to have made such breakthroughs. When I was younger, my destructive patterns and attachments were at the helm, and so although I was having experiences and receiving valuable information about myself, my subconscious took over and conscious thought did not absorb these epiphanies quite so quickly. I was dominated by one or the other: logic or emotion. There was (and still is to certain degrees) an imbalance of self and spirit. Now, in light of a slow integration of lessons learned, my inner self has learned to become more agile, and I am finding that incorporation is clearer and faster.

It is a strange existence though, when one is no longer ruled by subconscious and deep rooted patterns or habits. The past week has felt like there were two people living in my head. My conscious mind has new revelations and wisdom to share, but, again, Ugghhhh…. Old patterns were wreaking havoc on my emotions. This is the interesting part though. I was fully aware that the patterns were patterns. The emotions were there, but they were hollow, not attached to a particular action or person. My mind would search to latch on to some idea, memory, person, anything… But it just couldn’t attach, so the result was feeling a range of urgency and anxiety, but without any source. My old patterns fought so hard that I found my self on the verge of obsession… but there was not a viable object to place my attention on. My conscious mind has been working quickly at rewiring my subconscious, and it would not let it attach to fallacy. It was like my body and mind were suffering from its own Couvade syndrome.

I have spent years researching and reading about self-awareness, emotion, thought, and spirituality, and for reasons unknown, now has become the time in my life where they all come together. But what I get from all of this is that the consciousness is not enough. To think, to know, to understand is not enough. This information must be experienced, it must be an integral part of our systems; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is not enough to read the book, and I think, although we spend our lifetime trying to escape suffering, sometimes we must experience it to truly understand what we learn… to really feel. In my life, I have had the experiences first and then learned the information. I had been trying to learn the words and thoughts first, but even if I could recite them from memory, I still could not fully understand. Nothing undermines the experience.

And now “I’m so Tired…”

It seems that my self has learned to rewire quickly enough. All the hard work I have done in the past has built momentum, and the basis of my being no longer stands on useless habits and learned behaviors. Oh yes, some still linger, and I know I will have other battles in the future, but what I also know, is that I have in some ways, become a better human being, a stronger individual, and a whole person.

When I was searching for the clip of John Lennon’s lyrics, I stumbled on a short description about the meaning behind his words. It seems that John wrote this song during his stay at a transcendental meditation retreat. I found this interesting, how he was so tired too in his quest for self-discovery, and how appropriate, that it was the song that welcomed a hiatus from self-reflection.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Appropriately Named: New Year

The New Year, I believe, is an opportunity for most to "turn on" critical thinking. It is a time when people are supposed to peer inward and out, and think about themselves critically. We ask for answers, we ask for change. We attempt to question and declare resolutions that for most are only superficial and not thoroughly examined. For example, "I'm going to lose weight, quit smoking" or "This is my year for success, happiness, love.” What happens is we place these demands on ourselves (and often other people) without really understanding why they are so important, how they can be met, and if they have any meaning at all. Consequently, many times these resolutions fail, and we find ourselves seeking answers again the next year.
At the risk of sounding trite; New Year should be everyday. New Day, New Life; never taken for granted and always used to the fullest. And in order to maximize our lives, we need to look deeper into ourselves when making change or asking for answers.

For me, this New Year has been symbolic of so many things. I have written about my darkness. I have been swimming in a gamut of fear and the unknown. I have walked a path that has led me to face those fears and to look deeply into myself. Coming to Japan is the accumulation of a life long inner battle. Facets of self fighting to unite. I too, have been asking deep questions. I began to feel hopeless, feeling that which I seek can never be found. But this New Year, something has changed.

My inner sorrow and despair over the past few months, well, through my whole life has led me to what I believe is a fundamental question of suffering: Attachment. I have learned through glimpses of peace and happiness that attachment sets us up for suffering. Interestingly, I cannot put into words what that means. Relief is not indicative of detachment. It is comparable to the koan of the monk. I can give examples of living without attachment and the happiness I have felt, but I cannot explain how this is achieved aside from hard work, understanding self, and compassion for the rest of the world. For example, I often refer to relationships. Whether it is from my own desire for love or the fact that as creatures of the universe we need companionship, I find myself commanded by love and kinship. In my deep relationships, I no longer have an attachment. I love them, I cherish them, I adore and respect these people, but, I am able to coexist with them, free from judgment, and if need be, I can live without them. I hold no sorrow or pain in my heart. I feel no need for deceit, lies or betrayal. I trust them freely without fear. I hold only good will and love for them in my heart, and respect their lives in conjunction with the universe. I feel healthy emotions of love and longing for their company, but it does not ruin me, I am not detached, but I am not attached. That is the best words and description I can provide. I did not come to this conclusion by premeditated thought or desire. I did not seek out this existence. This was a natural occurrence based on extenuating circumstances, choices, and good karma that I have experienced.
I have also worked at applying this to areas of my life where I felt strong attachment. I found that when trying to force, control, or manipulate good fortune, even if victory ensued, I always suffered. I began with the first step of awareness, followed by taking responsibility for my actions, thoughts and feelings, recognizing my inner strength, finding my love of self, extending compassion for others, and letting go of my attachment to expectation and outcome. No longer would I measure success based on another’s opinions, on a monetary scale, by a materialistic measure, or by how many people loved me. A successful person is measured by their own means and to me, by the will and strength of their heart and character.

I had lived in and at times still fall prey to the attachment to loneliness, anger and fear. I wish to be free from this.

I have suffered more recently here in Japan because of my attachment to thought. I felt the pangs of separation from those I love but learned to let go and understand that the tie we share can never be lost. Time and space hold no weight on a pure heart. But I suffered at the hand of desire, of old patterns, and was caught between hanging on to a thought and letting go. Often I find myself in situations entirely too long because I am fearful of letting go of a desire, of attachment. The weeks before the holidays had me a bundle of nerves and anxiety, and again, I wondered, how, after all of the work I have been invested in, can I still come back to feeling this way?

The answer is intuition.
I learned a valuable lesson. When we are ill, anxious, scared, sad, angry... intuition is telling us something is not right, that we are going against the grain of the universe. We must ask ourselves why we are feeling this way. Our bodies and hearts know the answer, we just have to listen. But again, I was not listening. I knew it was my worst fear knocking at my door. The fear of loss. The fear of being abandoned. It was taking hold of me all this time. I have said before that if you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose, but the truth is, you always have something. You will always have the universal energy of love and compassion in your heart. You will always have yourself. It is so difficult to come the point where we accept that this is enough.

And in true style, perhaps the power of intention or willing it so, my worst fear came true.
I realized that what was happening here was inconsequential.
I realized that my attachment was not to this person, but an idea.
I realized that I have been walking a virtuous path and the destruction of this obstacle has showed me a light at the end of the sorrow.

I was absolutely amazed by my own dexterity and will to let my heart live freely, no longer shackled by fear and anger.
The pain, the sadness, the anger was all an illusion. It was caused by an attachment to a person or ideal.
As I sat on the train beside the physical representation of my attachment, who like me, is a soul walking the path of life, I suddenly felt an immense burst of love, for myself, for his soul, for the future, for the universe. It transcended time and space. It was pure and unattached, not affiliate with any kind of love or any one person. In that instance everything made sense to me in the most nonsensical type of way. I understood.

I have felt this before at the mercy of other representations and I send love and peace to all. Deception, betrayal and sadness have always been a friend to me, but no longer am I interested in their employment. Necessary, they have been in my growth. Ever present they may be. But this year, I am going to be free. I have made my choice. I will walk the virtuous path. I have many more lessons to learn. I have many more experiences to live. I have many more tears to cry and smiles to share. And for the first time in my life I can say that the idea that once haunted my footsteps is no longer in the fore front of my mind.

What I was sure was going to be a very unhappy and difficult new year turned out to be an amazing experience symbolic of my new skin. I was so afraid of being left to my own loneliness, but that loneliness never came. I wandered back to my hotel room alone on New Years Eve not quite ready to succumb to the standard processes of healing. I decided to find a small bar to have a quiet drink alone. Forgetting that I was in a primarily homogenous country, I found a tiny hole in the wall called "Bar Buenos". I thought to myself, "Spanish!" (A little reminiscence of home). I walked into the bar feeling okay about not sharing the traditional New Years Eve that I had, like many others, seen as the accumulation of a kiss at midnight or a wild story with your friends. I opened the door and entered from the cold into roughly 10 Japanese people staring at me.

The record skips.

Me: Konnichiwa

Them:

Me: Daijobu desuka? (Is this okay?)

Them:

Me: (Thinking to myself, well, shit, im gonna sit down here in the corner)

One random guy:  Hey! please, please sit down, what will you drink! (In English)


I began to have a few drinks as other people in the bar came over. Most knew some English and were happy to use it. They found out I was living in Aomori and were impressed at my endurance of the inaka and the cold, snowy weather. Over the course of the night, it turned out, that between their pretty decent English and my crappy Japanese, we were able to have awesome conversation about everything from World History, what to do for fun, and the fact that I always thought my boss was hammered but really I was confusing the smell of soba on his breath. It was awesome. And then, in an epic status, at the stroke of midnight, after a glorious countdown and kanpai, they asked me to join them in the traditional New Year’s prayer at the nearby jinja (shrine). It was incredible. I felt so blessed to make my wish for the New Year with them, to drink hot sake, and to give thanks for the happenings of the past year. Afterward, we all headed back to the bar and drank until 4am. I will never forget their kindness and how they helped me to begin a very special new year.
The next morning I woke up feeling a little melancholy, but blessed none the less. I headed up to Asakusa to watch the thousands of people make their new year’s prayers at the Sensoji Temple. I thought about what everyone was wishing for. I thought about my good fortune.

And here I am back in Aomori now, feeling strong, feeling optimistic, but this time, it is no false hope, it is not me trying to convince myself that everything is going to be alright.

It’s genuine.