When I first arrived in Japan, all I could do was write. It seemed that I lost all other forms of communication; my words were meaningless, my renditions dry. I lacked all modes of expression other than putting my thoughts on paper (or Microsoft Word). Gradually, I began to speak a little Japanese and experiment with Ikebana, Mineral Watercolors, and Yoga. I came to understand many times over in life, that experience is necessary for transgression. What is truly tangible is only the expectation or reflection on the encounter. The intangible is in the process. Somewhere I transgressed from the thought to the experience…the tangible to the intangible. I was wrapped up in searching for a logical means to express my situation and perspectives. I was caught up in the phrase:
“Find yourself.”
How contradictory this is to the mediocre universe we live in. If we are self, then we have already been found. We are tangible aren’t we? We exist. What is there to find if not some illusion of perspective. I found that I could not simply settle in finding myself. I had to question the actual validity of self, and whether there was even something to be found. Is there such a thing as self?
At the risk of sounding crazy, I digress. I believe there are 3 fundamental parts to “self”:
Instinct
Intuition
Learned Behavior
Instinct is usually based on survival mechanisms. It can be argued though, that instinct and intuition are actually a combination of learned behavior; that we as a species base our natural attraction on the experiences we have. What if the desire to quench our thirst was actually a learned behavior and not simply based on a chemical reaction. What if we chose to dehydrate and die instead? The fact that we can even entertain the two choices shows that somehow we learned the outcome of both hydration and dehydration. Well, of course the idea here is that our bodies are programmed to promote the survival of our species. The point is that we have choice, and depending on the choice we make, we will condition self. I present this is such a primitive way because I believe that people are so far removed from and confused about basic awareness, that they cannot even begin to theorize what instinct is anymore, along with intuition.
Now somewhere along the way, we came to believe that the things we know, the actions we make, are all coming from a source. We assumed it was the “self”, and as our minds expanded, so did the idea of self. Self being defined as a source of instinct and intuition, based on our experiences, since the beginning of humankind. And so, just as our nature has been molded by the actions/reactions we share, the idea of self has been shifted as well.
If “self” is additive, then it is clearly made of parts. And if “Self” is simply a series of parts, then it truly does not exist concretely as a whole.
When someone is seeking self, they are actually seeking out all the parts that have contributed to the many perspectives and beliefs they have come to incorporate into existence. This is not a reflection on a whole. It is a reflection on humanity. Relationships with people, living things, places, ideas, and space are a relationship with your “self” in a non-segregated way. This suggests that there is no actual distinction of yourself separate from other things, because the very essence of you was made by everything that surrounds. Not all love songs are about others.
Now I will not detract away from the idea that we are individually in one body, but again, is that body not made of parts? And does that body not deteriorate and transform into another matter? The vessel we exist in is not solely indicative of the parts that propel it, both physically and metaphysically. I have written before about the attachment humans have formed to possession, and this includes bodies. We are responsible for bodies, thought, and emotions; collectively, but we do not own them, even in our own right. These parts will return to another state in due time and we cannot stop the process.
I have come to believe that the true meaning of finding yourself is the genuine definition of life. It is the path that we all take. It is not a co-existence, it is an existence. It is hard to fathom the idea that we are individual, parts, and aggregate while not being a “whole”. We are all responsible for the collective, by living directly with some fractions, and by being aware of all the parts. Perhaps the term “Finding yourself” would be better understood if stated as “Awareness”; Awareness as something transverse and ephemeral. I believe that much like the fraction of my experience in Japan, humanity has spent the first half of the journey so concentrated on survival, that they lost sight of awareness. During the second half, we have been engaged in the revelry of comfort and once again, we are neglecting awareness. Today, it is imperative that we transcend.
While I felt as though I was standing opposite a large boulder during the first few months of my time in Japan, my collective instinct and intuition found ways to move me forward into awareness. I transcended into extroversion and experience. I have been spending my remaining time here exploring the intangible. I have been understanding ways in which I am not myself. ..
