I have been tangled up in knots. Uneasy. My stomach has been churning, acids eating away at the depth of my insides. Constantly on edge; on the edge of confusion. I have found that emotions I thought I no longer had use for have reappeared. Old feelings I thought I had worked long and hard on diminshing once again battle to control my life.
I laid on my couch in silence last night, fighting the desire to "do"; to distract and overanalyze. I started to think about the act of doing and the implications of the word. I have been struggling with sentence syntax in the Japanese language and had been wrestling with using the word "do". It has become increasingly difficult for me to express my needs and communicate when not knowing how and when I should be placing/using the word. My mind began to trail off into the semantics of "Suru", "Shimasu"... and I realized how important this word has become for most.
I fought with myself to not "do"; scrappling to find some serenity, some connection with the peaceful vibration of the universe. When these emotions have come in the past I always had to "do". Paint, write, drink, smoke, read... the list is endless. Most people, have come to rely on "do" to distract and detract, or on the antonym to protect themselves from fear. I search for the balance of this word. I understand in these thoughts the importance of interconnectivity; knowing who you truly are, the art of virtue, and the pratice of peace.
I suppose the biggest difficulty of my plight has been the lack of understanding and the frustration that the habits and emotions we latch onto in our first passage, as James Hollis would say, do not just disappear. So I find that some of my old tools and resources for coping or understanding do not suit me anymore. It is time to move on to the next level of my journey and pick up new evolved skills. I have been trying to practice the act of being for a few years now. Many times I have found this way to be a natural evolution of self and spirit. Many times I have felt peace and fufillment when just existing and enjoying the moments of life. I go in and out of this practice, and find myself struggling at times to phatom how it is even possible to just "exist". I beleive that we all have the ability to do this, that ultimatley, the only way we can truly find peace is to live in this manner, but I also feel that a great amount of shedding is called for in order to attain a constant vibration. I know many woud say this sounds like the Buddhist ideal of Enlightenment, or the Christian ideal of Salvation; so on and so on... but I beleive that it has no name, and that it is possible to achieve it in different ways, in varying steps, and during a wide range of times in our lives.
And so, I am shedding my skin. Something I do often in my life. I suppose as time weathers our tired bodies and expereinces grate on our souls, shedding becomes more painful, more abrasive. The skin undernreath finds itself wearing more thin as cells struggle to regenerate what was once lost. I feel it has become inevitable for me to live in this way, to accept and affirm the other forces at play. To know who I am and my own personal magic.
But something unexpected presents itself after you discover the awareness of these universal laws. There is no clear way to implement them. I know many would argue, but certain facets of worship or practice do not provide for everyone. Each person must find the path that will bring them to balance on their own.
While I write and reread this, and let words flow from my hands, I see that my confusion is the miscommunication I am suffering between myself and the universe. Much like the lapse in communication I feel between myself and the Japanese language, or the isolation of having no one here to verbally exercise my thoughts with. I suppose that by taking away the comfort of communication, I have no other choice but to move into a higher level of living. But what was once a rich and cultivated atmosphere of communication by a multitude of communication tools, has become a barren land where only innovation will preservere. My only goal being to exist. The unending result becoming the affirmation to live, not just to be alive.
In this proverbial battle of spirit and will, I am desperatly seeking a way to extinguish these issues once and for all, and fearful that I will never find the way.
I am aware of what I do have. I am not fearful of what may be. But I am concerned with the now. With living each day to the fullest. To find balance in a great deal of many things. To ponder this koan. What I feel like is the unanswerable.
