Today's entry is unavoidable. I suppose I had pretended long enough that the language barrier really didn't exist. Of course, in my artsy fartsy bohemian creative mind, I just figured I could pictionary and charades my ass straight through to comprehensible conversation.
Shame on me.
Now don't get me wrong. For everyone that is gasping "Who the hell moves to Japan and doesn't study the language!", I studied before I left! I tried at the very least to self educate through a variety of programs; Rosetta Stone, crash courses, channel 10. But the lack of immersion and/or well organized and tedious semester long courses only left me with the ability to introduce myself and ask what and where things are. Which has been helpful. Except I don't understand anyone when they actually answer me. (bearnt)
So what I am about to discuss here should come as no surprise. Clearly, if not sooner or later, I was to meet my doom. That happened to be today, when I finally met my Kyoto-Sensei (vice-principal) , in one of those socially awkward moments by the water cooler that can make or break you.
This week almost all of the teachers are absent for the Obon Holiday. Obon, just to brief, is a holiday in which the Japanese gather with their families to welcome back their dead ancestors. As a result, many people travel back to their hometowns for a week or so. This includes my supervisor and all 10 of the English teachers. Who are the only people that speak English. See where this is going?
I walked into school this morning at 9am sharp as always, put on my indoor shoes from my locker, and greeted the office staff. ( I pride myself on my accurately gleeful good mornings to the staff: "Ohayo Gozaimasu!", its the best thing I got going for me).
Sure there weren't many cars in the parking lot, but I knew some of the teachers were going to be out, that's cool, I still got my supervisor, and we are gonna see about the Internet today, and Oh, maybe he will let me go home early since not many people are here, and...wait a second. As I make my way down the hall to his office and turn the corner, his desk is still nice and neat. I ask the reference librarian next to his desk "Maejima sensei doko wa desuka?".
He replies.
Okay, what the hell does that mean.
Let me try this again, and in my mind, the fact that I asked in decent Japanese and couldn't understand the answer must be remedied by asking in a mixture of broken English and Japanese. Surely, he will answer me in words I can understand. (Hey, some people just talk really loud). "Maejima sensei, kare wa here today or no?". This poor guy. I can see now I am just stressing him out, either he is gonna cry or get up and run. However, he mutters out "Vacation". HEY!! I know that word. Okay. Phew! I didn't know he was leaving yet, but hey, dodged that bullet... so off to my office.
Perhaps the elation of getting an accurate answer distracted me initially when I arrived at my desk. I sat down happy with my conquest when I realized that the only two people in the entire office was me, (gulp) and the Kyoto-sensei. Now, for those who dont know, Kyoto-sensei is very important. He basically runs the show here, calls all the shots, and my supervisor answers to him. I had met him before, but always with a buffer of an English translator.
Wait a second. Stop here. There is also a side note that should be known.
This morning, I intentionally did not pack a lunch, with the hopes that since the cafeteria was locked for summer break, and many teachers were out, I could pull the old "I have no lunch" bit, and be told I could just go home earlier. hehe. Its worked before. Can you say "Karma".
So, yes, here I am in the Clint Eastwood lock down between my desk and his. (Just picture the whistling). Now I realize that I could avoid him at all costs today, and just say two words I know well, "Ohayo Gozaimasu" and "Sayonara". Alright. Crisis averted.
My desk is right next to the drink and goodies area.
Surely this guy is a camel.
Immediately I start busting out all of my Japanese texts; Dictionaries, grammar books, notes, handbooks, hello kitty stickers...
Safe.
DO YOU REALIZE how difficult it is to look up words while someone is talking at a normal speed?!
Okay, Okay, well I think we all know what happens next. Here I am sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when he mossies on over for a drink.
The break through: "Kohii? somethin, somethin, in Japanese"
Me: "Oh, coffee, Hai".
What in the world! I cant have any caffeine! Caffeine gives me frickin heart palpitations! Sure, hai, give me some, because even though I know how to say no, I don't know how to explain why, and being that you are the most important guy in the school, I don't want to look like a dick, although I'm headin down that road already.
He pours the coffee in my cup, but as he is doing so, I realize it is not only coffee, but iced espresso, and he is just goin to town.
Me: "Ah, Ah, arigato, thank you, that's good, yeah, that's good. GOOD!"
Now I have 3/4 of a coffee mug filled with espresso, and this guy wants to Kampai. (cheers and drink together).
And since I am instantaneously hopped up on liquid crack, he wants to chat.
Him: "Something, something in Japanese: Influenza"
Me: "Oh, yes, swine flu"
Him: "Something, something, two students"
Me: "Oh, --I-- he-ard-- there-- were-- stu-de-nts-- from-- this-- sc-hool-- who-- have-- the-- flu"
Him: "Hai, something, something, something, something, something: Two (with fingers).
Me: "Are--they--o-k?" (two fingers)
Him: "Something, something, something, something. Something?"
Me: "That--must--be,--how--do--you--say,--Kowai."
(And this is one of those words where you say it one way and it means the opposite thing, I did it once and vowed to never do it again, so I was confident in my choice. I once told a woman that her toddler was Kowai= scary, instead of Kawaii= cute. The look on her face was like I farted in church.
Him: "Kowai?"
Me: (Two fingers, then pause, sip more coffee)
Him: "Something, something, Amerika, wear... (gestures to his face)
Me: "Oh, masks! Iie, no, we don't wear masks in Amerika, we (start rubbing my hands together like a chipmunk eating a acorn)
Him: (rubs his hands like a chipmunk eating an acorn, and now we are doing this in unison like a wild pack of acorn eaters)
(Awkward silence)
Me: "Ahhhhh.."
Him: "Ahhhhh..."
Phone rings and he goes to answer it. Phewwww....
Lets just say I won't be going home early today. I should have brought my frickin lunch. That might have taken the edge off the jitters.
