The exorcism of attachment

I was talking recently with someone I cherish greatly, about the idea of transcending the mediocre in life, and moving forward in our paths. We stumbled upon the mutual question of attachment; attachment to outcomes, expectations, and desires. It seems that when one is attached to these notions, obstacles are actually created. We get caught up in what we think is successful or needed. As I have discussed in previous entries, thinking is only one facet of who we are, and when fully relied on as a guide, we are certainly left to our own demise. I have worked hard on the idea of “attachment” and have found that in some areas of my life, I have understood and applied the meaning of just being. But one area of my life has always been recessed in my wisdom, and I cannot understand how to detach. I have been working hard at acknowledging the awareness and changing behaviors, but I cannot seem to just let go. I feel that because of this I have perpetuated many painful experiences. I don’t know how to embrace and believe in good things, like love and peace without opening myself to negativity and the pain that comes along with attachment, and things lost. Although I have said before that I do not affiliate myself with any one denomination, I do often refer to Buddhism. I find that many faiths correlate with the lessons and path we take as humans, and when studied free from attachment, we can identify purely with these ideas of faith, and not fall victim to the harmful aspects of beliefs. Faith was laid down as not only a loose explanation of our existence, but also as a metaphorical encyclopedia of living. It was never intended to cause us pain, to wage wars and create prejudices, it was simply advice given by other humans who have lived before us. In an effort to connect this tangent, Buddhism for me, has become one faith whose issues of life I can identify with. And I believe that the theory of releasing attachment holds a key to happiness. Many would say that not being attached is to be detached, which is confused with aloofness. This is my quandary. I know, as a human of many experiences, and as a firm believer in love, kindness, and compassion, that being aloof is not congruent with letting go. But how do you still love and let go? How do you offer kindness and compassion to another and not become attached? I understand that you should not place responsibility for your happiness on another. I understand that you should not attach yourself to expectations. You must be you, and you must genuinely love that person for who they are. You must just “be” while letting them “be”. And in order to achieve this you must be in tune with who you are, what our insecurities and fears are, so you do not place them on someone else. But what if this all seems to be present and you still find yourself “attached”? Hurt by someone’s words. Sad about someone’s departure from your life? The understanding I get from Buddhist principles is that your sadness is only a reflection of your own selfish attachments or intentions. You are sad because you are focused on loss. You are hurt because you have attached your self- worth or happiness to someone else’s thoughts or feelings. How about the love you feel for that person? Many principles of faith say one should love without the notion of love in return. I can comprehend this idea when applied to many types of relationships; but not with a lover. I can love without compromising myself. I can be kind without a goal of seeking kindness. At some point though, when that relationship ends, my kindness is no longer welcome, or welcome in the capacity that I desire to give. If it is true, that all suffering is caused by attachment and desire, how does one not feel the pangs of separation and unrequited love? How does one cease to desire closeness? Why are we not content with platonic love? Parental love? Familial Love? The answer cannot be to kill the desire to reproduce; it seems unnatural. How do you trivialize that loss and free yourself from suffering? How do you refuse the desire for agape love? Why is it wrong to want pure, selfless and realistic love with another?