Per the advice of someone I respect greatly, I let my mind take a back seat the past few weeks. Consequently, it is the end of October already. This hiatus from my thoughts was not a welcome one I must say, and in correlation to the metaphors I have been writing about, it is much more difficult to look into the mirror than to go through it.
When discussing the notion of connectivity or interconnectivity, it is easy to understand that we, as human beings, are part of the larger, natural picture. We too are akin to the elements: air, earth, water, fire, wind. This observation is not to compare us with an astrological influence or a pagan belief, but to show the metaphorical relationship between people and nature; much like the Japanese Shinto belief. It is said that people who are like air are flighty, fickle and that people who are like earth are solid and dry. People reflective of water are sensitive and mobile, and people who are like fire are well...you know. I suppose that the pondering of these representations are coming from my recent experience in light of the advice I had been given.
In many spiritual pursuits "fragment" is a dirty word. Fragment is the implication that one is not "one" and therefore removed from God, Dharma, or interconnectivity. I spoke in my last entry about the fragmentation of my being and how I believe that comes into play with our intangible self. Spiritually, we are supposed to be aiming at aligning those fragments, so they are no longer pieces, but are eventually a whole. I also discussed in previous entries that I believe when we are born we are born whole, and we work our entire lives, or in some beliefs many lives, to recover those pieces. The point: we are all trying to return to “whole” in our own way. The journey to retrieve ourselves and our connection to the infinite is filled with many currents. One can never be lost but only adrift. I find that we are caught in different elemental traps, such as the whirlpool of emotion, the gust of thought, the stubbornness of imbedded rock, or the burning desire of...well, you know.
Per some wise advice I understood that we only get pruny when we hang out in the water too long.
I was starting to wrinkle.
When we try to merely balance the disconnect we lose sight of the whole. The act of trying to balance disconnection is an act of rationalization. I think that rationalization is part of the journey onward, the assessment and integration of occurrences in our lives, but to linger in any one fragment is to be caught in the whirlpool. Soon we observe, process, rationalize, and integrate so much that we force an imbalance of self and interconnectivity.
I was angry that I had to stop thinking so much. Writing about my thoughts, thinking and analyzing my circumstance and environment were a comfortable and familiar element.
Its nice and warm in the water, I don’t want to get out, mom!
Then I realized. I was spinning in my thoughts. The scrutiny of my depression was preventing me from feeling the depression. If emotions are only considered in thought, then they can never truly be integrated or released. As a result, we spend our time trying to rationalize and "balance" the tear, instead of realigning our true self with the infinite. There is no need to force a balance if we can just be.
Self is a subjective and relative experience
as well as an objective and natural existence.
In true fight or flight fashion, I used rationalization as a tool to stave off the overwhelming feelings of the unfamiliar; and I don’t mean octopus legs on a stick and engrish. It was the unfamiliarity of grieving for the lack of physicality of my loved ones and the opportunity of time on my hands.
Advice when given is seldom ever new news. We all have it in us, (we are all part of the flow) but most often, the best advice, is one that we have to be reminded of. The recollection is a reminder that we are all part of the same whole.
Like the elements, we all know what to do. We are all part of something bigger, whether you call it God, Dharma, or Nature. We all know how to swim. We don’t have to learn; we just have to be reminded. Our intangible is put into place to keep us connected, not to work against us. I suppose that the best advice is to stop fighting the current, but to remember that we are not just water; we are also air, earth and fire. If we maintain all elements at once, then we can never be stuck for too long.
The past three weeks I choose experience over thought. I drove spontaneously to Oirase Gorge, which is said to be the most beautiful place for foliage viewing in Japan. My friend and I walked along the path taking in the elements at every turn. I stopped at the edge of the stream where leaves were pooling around a rock. I could see my reflection in the water. The reflection is not so austere when seen this way. The soft contours of my face shook with every breath of the wind. The warmth of the sunlight gave the illusion of a glow beaming from behind.
This is all I have of this moment, because that is all that it was,
And all that it should be.
