It is snowing again outside. Usually you would find me complaining on end about the snowy winter here in Aomori. If you were in my car, you would be bombarded with my sarcastic remarks at every turn for every driver. I would be cursing and yelling about how much the weather stinks. As much fun as that is for me (and my friend Steve; he finds humor in my rants when I drive…in the snow), the miserable dreary weather looks different to me today.

I have always known that I am blessed. I feel fortunate that I have led a fruitful life spiritually, emotionally, and physically, no matter how difficult it has seemed. My journey to Japan, as I have stated so many times, is in large portion a journey of self-reflection and personal wisdom. I came here not only because I had the desire to learn about this culture and see far off places, but also because I sought out detachment and solitude. In correlation with my last entry, I was looking to apply many lessons I have learned, and to balance the outside with the inside. The first 6 months were extremely difficult. I spent my time purging old habits, and even though I sought out isolation for clarity, it was hard to be so far away from my loved ones. Despite the vicissitude of my experience, I learned so much… It shows that life is an ever present lesson, and no, we do not get a break. Life is built on teachable moments, whether we choose to acknowledge them or not. Some of those lessons were unexpected for me, but this has made me all the richer…
So, why the retrospection?
I believe that it is equally as important to express our happiness as well as our plight. I had been trying for years to put myself together, in a healthy, genuine way. I struggled with living in subjection. I always envisioned myself living in a certain manner, but I could never achieve this life style, regardless of how wonderful my finances, emotional situations, or personal motivation was. Being here though, has provided me with the necessary concoction of ingredients needed for personal success. I am experiencing positive feelings that I have felt before but never in combination with each other. I am living in a way that I had only hoped for. I am aware that there are obstacles in my life, but I accept that.
I like where I am right now.
I am inner peace (because I cannot posses it, I can only be it.)

I like noting the moments as they pass.

When we realize that we are ruled by thought,
When we empower ourselves, and let go…
I know that I have the tools to take this with me…
Even when it snows.
Many Thanks…

Peace of mind

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no
--John Lennon

When my mind is racing, it is filled with thoughts, words, pictures and song. The past week I have been on a mental hamster wheel; running over and over the same thoughts and songs. And then last night, after some purging, I got up this morning with only one song floating around in an empty head. See the above. What I actually keep hearing is the long, drawn out breath John Lennon expels: “I’m soooo tired…”

I often feel this way after an intense emotional or mental workout. Exhaustion. I am so relived when my mind has finally drained the backed up thoughts in my head. I realized that if I wrote all of those thoughts down, I would come across seriously crazy, so I mull over them until they cease. What has been dominating my thoughts is the application of some new lessons learned, but also, old patterns that die hard. I find that there is a process when integrating new information into our consciousness and pushing out the old from our subconscious. For instance, last year, I integrated new information through self-reflection into my consciousness. It was there, but I wasn’t using it. I had a very difficult time manifesting what I knew. This year, I found myself utilizing the knowledge I gained. Somehow, over the course of time, I transferred that information from a simply conscious thought, (one where you know what is right, but you just keep doing the wrong anyway) into an intrinsic part of my subconscious. As I experience more and reflect more through out my life, awareness becomes increasingly present, and sometimes I feel like my mind has split right in two.

After my New Years experience, I had a plethora of new knowledge to synthesize into my being. It felt good, exciting to have made such breakthroughs. When I was younger, my destructive patterns and attachments were at the helm, and so although I was having experiences and receiving valuable information about myself, my subconscious took over and conscious thought did not absorb these epiphanies quite so quickly. I was dominated by one or the other: logic or emotion. There was (and still is to certain degrees) an imbalance of self and spirit. Now, in light of a slow integration of lessons learned, my inner self has learned to become more agile, and I am finding that incorporation is clearer and faster.

It is a strange existence though, when one is no longer ruled by subconscious and deep rooted patterns or habits. The past week has felt like there were two people living in my head. My conscious mind has new revelations and wisdom to share, but, again, Ugghhhh…. Old patterns were wreaking havoc on my emotions. This is the interesting part though. I was fully aware that the patterns were patterns. The emotions were there, but they were hollow, not attached to a particular action or person. My mind would search to latch on to some idea, memory, person, anything… But it just couldn’t attach, so the result was feeling a range of urgency and anxiety, but without any source. My old patterns fought so hard that I found my self on the verge of obsession… but there was not a viable object to place my attention on. My conscious mind has been working quickly at rewiring my subconscious, and it would not let it attach to fallacy. It was like my body and mind were suffering from its own Couvade syndrome.

I have spent years researching and reading about self-awareness, emotion, thought, and spirituality, and for reasons unknown, now has become the time in my life where they all come together. But what I get from all of this is that the consciousness is not enough. To think, to know, to understand is not enough. This information must be experienced, it must be an integral part of our systems; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is not enough to read the book, and I think, although we spend our lifetime trying to escape suffering, sometimes we must experience it to truly understand what we learn… to really feel. In my life, I have had the experiences first and then learned the information. I had been trying to learn the words and thoughts first, but even if I could recite them from memory, I still could not fully understand. Nothing undermines the experience.

And now “I’m so Tired…”

It seems that my self has learned to rewire quickly enough. All the hard work I have done in the past has built momentum, and the basis of my being no longer stands on useless habits and learned behaviors. Oh yes, some still linger, and I know I will have other battles in the future, but what I also know, is that I have in some ways, become a better human being, a stronger individual, and a whole person.

When I was searching for the clip of John Lennon’s lyrics, I stumbled on a short description about the meaning behind his words. It seems that John wrote this song during his stay at a transcendental meditation retreat. I found this interesting, how he was so tired too in his quest for self-discovery, and how appropriate, that it was the song that welcomed a hiatus from self-reflection.

Appropriately Named: New Year

The New Year, I believe, is an opportunity for most to "turn on" critical thinking. It is a time when people are supposed to peer inward and out, and think about themselves critically. We ask for answers, we ask for change. We attempt to question and declare resolutions that for most are only superficial and not thoroughly examined. For example, "I'm going to lose weight, quit smoking" or "This is my year for success, happiness, love.” What happens is we place these demands on ourselves (and often other people) without really understanding why they are so important, how they can be met, and if they have any meaning at all. Consequently, many times these resolutions fail, and we find ourselves seeking answers again the next year.
At the risk of sounding trite; New Year should be everyday. New Day, New Life; never taken for granted and always used to the fullest. And in order to maximize our lives, we need to look deeper into ourselves when making change or asking for answers.

For me, this New Year has been symbolic of so many things. I have written about my darkness. I have been swimming in a gamut of fear and the unknown. I have walked a path that has led me to face those fears and to look deeply into myself. Coming to Japan is the accumulation of a life long inner battle. Facets of self fighting to unite. I too, have been asking deep questions. I began to feel hopeless, feeling that which I seek can never be found. But this New Year, something has changed.

My inner sorrow and despair over the past few months, well, through my whole life has led me to what I believe is a fundamental question of suffering: Attachment. I have learned through glimpses of peace and happiness that attachment sets us up for suffering. Interestingly, I cannot put into words what that means. Relief is not indicative of detachment. It is comparable to the koan of the monk. I can give examples of living without attachment and the happiness I have felt, but I cannot explain how this is achieved aside from hard work, understanding self, and compassion for the rest of the world. For example, I often refer to relationships. Whether it is from my own desire for love or the fact that as creatures of the universe we need companionship, I find myself commanded by love and kinship. In my deep relationships, I no longer have an attachment. I love them, I cherish them, I adore and respect these people, but, I am able to coexist with them, free from judgment, and if need be, I can live without them. I hold no sorrow or pain in my heart. I feel no need for deceit, lies or betrayal. I trust them freely without fear. I hold only good will and love for them in my heart, and respect their lives in conjunction with the universe. I feel healthy emotions of love and longing for their company, but it does not ruin me, I am not detached, but I am not attached. That is the best words and description I can provide. I did not come to this conclusion by premeditated thought or desire. I did not seek out this existence. This was a natural occurrence based on extenuating circumstances, choices, and good karma that I have experienced.
I have also worked at applying this to areas of my life where I felt strong attachment. I found that when trying to force, control, or manipulate good fortune, even if victory ensued, I always suffered. I began with the first step of awareness, followed by taking responsibility for my actions, thoughts and feelings, recognizing my inner strength, finding my love of self, extending compassion for others, and letting go of my attachment to expectation and outcome. No longer would I measure success based on another’s opinions, on a monetary scale, by a materialistic measure, or by how many people loved me. A successful person is measured by their own means and to me, by the will and strength of their heart and character.

I had lived in and at times still fall prey to the attachment to loneliness, anger and fear. I wish to be free from this.

I have suffered more recently here in Japan because of my attachment to thought. I felt the pangs of separation from those I love but learned to let go and understand that the tie we share can never be lost. Time and space hold no weight on a pure heart. But I suffered at the hand of desire, of old patterns, and was caught between hanging on to a thought and letting go. Often I find myself in situations entirely too long because I am fearful of letting go of a desire, of attachment. The weeks before the holidays had me a bundle of nerves and anxiety, and again, I wondered, how, after all of the work I have been invested in, can I still come back to feeling this way?

The answer is intuition.
I learned a valuable lesson. When we are ill, anxious, scared, sad, angry... intuition is telling us something is not right, that we are going against the grain of the universe. We must ask ourselves why we are feeling this way. Our bodies and hearts know the answer, we just have to listen. But again, I was not listening. I knew it was my worst fear knocking at my door. The fear of loss. The fear of being abandoned. It was taking hold of me all this time. I have said before that if you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose, but the truth is, you always have something. You will always have the universal energy of love and compassion in your heart. You will always have yourself. It is so difficult to come the point where we accept that this is enough.

And in true style, perhaps the power of intention or willing it so, my worst fear came true.
I realized that what was happening here was inconsequential.
I realized that my attachment was not to this person, but an idea.
I realized that I have been walking a virtuous path and the destruction of this obstacle has showed me a light at the end of the sorrow.

I was absolutely amazed by my own dexterity and will to let my heart live freely, no longer shackled by fear and anger.
The pain, the sadness, the anger was all an illusion. It was caused by an attachment to a person or ideal.
As I sat on the train beside the physical representation of my attachment, who like me, is a soul walking the path of life, I suddenly felt an immense burst of love, for myself, for his soul, for the future, for the universe. It transcended time and space. It was pure and unattached, not affiliate with any kind of love or any one person. In that instance everything made sense to me in the most nonsensical type of way. I understood.

I have felt this before at the mercy of other representations and I send love and peace to all. Deception, betrayal and sadness have always been a friend to me, but no longer am I interested in their employment. Necessary, they have been in my growth. Ever present they may be. But this year, I am going to be free. I have made my choice. I will walk the virtuous path. I have many more lessons to learn. I have many more experiences to live. I have many more tears to cry and smiles to share. And for the first time in my life I can say that the idea that once haunted my footsteps is no longer in the fore front of my mind.

What I was sure was going to be a very unhappy and difficult new year turned out to be an amazing experience symbolic of my new skin. I was so afraid of being left to my own loneliness, but that loneliness never came. I wandered back to my hotel room alone on New Years Eve not quite ready to succumb to the standard processes of healing. I decided to find a small bar to have a quiet drink alone. Forgetting that I was in a primarily homogenous country, I found a tiny hole in the wall called "Bar Buenos". I thought to myself, "Spanish!" (A little reminiscence of home). I walked into the bar feeling okay about not sharing the traditional New Years Eve that I had, like many others, seen as the accumulation of a kiss at midnight or a wild story with your friends. I opened the door and entered from the cold into roughly 10 Japanese people staring at me.

The record skips.

Me: Konnichiwa

Them:

Me: Daijobu desuka? (Is this okay?)

Them:

Me: (Thinking to myself, well, shit, im gonna sit down here in the corner)

One random guy:  Hey! please, please sit down, what will you drink! (In English)


I began to have a few drinks as other people in the bar came over. Most knew some English and were happy to use it. They found out I was living in Aomori and were impressed at my endurance of the inaka and the cold, snowy weather. Over the course of the night, it turned out, that between their pretty decent English and my crappy Japanese, we were able to have awesome conversation about everything from World History, what to do for fun, and the fact that I always thought my boss was hammered but really I was confusing the smell of soba on his breath. It was awesome. And then, in an epic status, at the stroke of midnight, after a glorious countdown and kanpai, they asked me to join them in the traditional New Year’s prayer at the nearby jinja (shrine). It was incredible. I felt so blessed to make my wish for the New Year with them, to drink hot sake, and to give thanks for the happenings of the past year. Afterward, we all headed back to the bar and drank until 4am. I will never forget their kindness and how they helped me to begin a very special new year.
The next morning I woke up feeling a little melancholy, but blessed none the less. I headed up to Asakusa to watch the thousands of people make their new year’s prayers at the Sensoji Temple. I thought about what everyone was wishing for. I thought about my good fortune.

And here I am back in Aomori now, feeling strong, feeling optimistic, but this time, it is no false hope, it is not me trying to convince myself that everything is going to be alright.

It’s genuine.