The Lotus

One overcast summer day, roughly a year and a half ago, I was visiting a Japanese garden in Millbrook, NY.  The sky was a pale gray and would occasionally offer a few rays of sunshine to shed light on this moment in time.  I was captivated by the beauty that surrounded me, and it gave a foreshadowing of what I thought was to come.  There were many shades of green and yellow, back dropped by the sound of trickling water falls and softly chirping birds.  I felt inspired, in love, and unconvinced as I walked on the tiny pebbles that led the winding paths. In the garden was a Lotus flower, which beckoned the eye to appreciate its contours.  I stood and pondered the Lotus, and admired its color and shape; the petals were large and white, with a thick green stem and imposing yellow stamen that jutted out from its core. But all the while I felt a nagging sense of boredom and disdain at my lack of intent interest.  No matter how hard I tried, my mind could not appreciate it's full beauty.  I did not understand why and what I was missing about this extraordinary specimen.  All I knew, all I let myself know, was the context I choose to view it in.  At that time in my life, the garden was not perceived with pure eyes.  And in melancholic recollection, all that surrounded me was truly a mirage.  Intuition was speaking to me that day, informing me with an obscurity of feeling, that what is truly beautiful cannot be seen askew.  I can remember a thousand days that have been haunted by such displacement.

As I move in my present life, all moments merge into a whirlpool of experiences.  They mix and meld to make a conglomerate of feeling and thought, and after separating the illusion from the query, I am presented with the barren truth.  I have pondered the detriments of attachment and stripped away my perceptions from objectivity.  I can bring instances in and out of consciousness at my leisure...and because of this, I am able to remove the attachment I have held throughout my experiences, and examine them from many points of view.  Some I surely have not seen, but only because I am not being honest with myself.  I am not willing to let go of an irrelevant action or thought that I have perceived to be an attack on my self-worth. 
When  the rhetorical questions of life are considered, I apply a loose perspective, realizing that bound thoughts create constricted ideas.  Are we simply here to live and die? I think so, and life is as stark as the question itself, but at the same time, is delicate and beautiful.  Does it all matter? Only if we give it power.  Although there is emptiness in the space between, we are not empty; it is simply just another part. 

By existing everywhere and nowhere in my thoughts and perceptions, I humbly accept truth.

I have found that the easiest place to start is in retrospect, where time has offered some relief of detachment and the initial stages of clarity.  I have discovered that the next portion of my journey involves applying this to things to come...
Often I make judgements and actions initially, and then, after consideration, realize that I have put myself in a position.  At some point I can see that my intuition has encouraging me to make a different choice, but I dismissed hearing the message.  I have also come to understand, that often I would confuse my intuition with my conscience, insecurities, fears, and ego.  This all seems contradictory, because in order to see things in truth instantaniously, one would need intuition to prevent making an afflicted choice.  It looks as though the only resolution is to practice building strength in intuition, by detaching myself from unnecessary thoughts and emotions, and freeing my existence from certain outcome.  And so I feel that choice is power, because although we are all interconnected to each other and nature, and cause and effect is very real, my parts have the capacity to choose.  I used to only see the same choices in front of me, black or white, shades of gray...but choices run deeper than a gradation of neutral tones. The choices we are presented with in life are not based on something permanent, nor or should they be assessed on a gut feeling or a fear of effect...  choices are multi-sensory, with various perspective, but are utterly simplistic and natural.  The accumulation of these intrinsic traits is intuition. 

The game that we have created for ourselves in life, as social human beings, involves polluting our own intuition while irresponsibly creating circumstances that effect others.  What we fail to comprehend, is by attaching ourselves to ego and the emotions that come along with it (jealousy, anger, lust), we devalue our own worth, and ignore truth.  Collectively, since we are integrated, we each contribute falsity, which prevents growth and awareness, and adds to a mountain of fabrication.  Some may call this the breeding of karma. 
I find, that when I am being honest, and am willing to understand things as they truly are, it is easier to let go of painful thoughts and emotions because I am addressing the real problem. When I accept that we are all interconnected, that my own personal value is irrelevant because there is no real physical law of possession, then my existence is genuine.

When I was in the garden that day, I was blinded by my own ego.  I was viewing the world under a false pretense. My attention was not on the presence of the flowers or the relationships between other elements.  My thoughts were focused on myself and the person I was with.  I was filled with a desire to make our relationship appear to be even more beautiful than the garden.  I wanted so badly for some sort of magic to take place, as if the miracle of life in this natural setting would create a miracle in his heart.  My intuition spoke faintly through a feeling of unease, but it was pushed aside...captivated by the possibility of romance, of being loved, of being admired....by someone or something outside of myself.  When all in all, we are made of the same matter, it is like asking my reflection to validate that I am alive.  As I looked at the Lotus flower, the one that stood out amongst all others, I could only see a flower.  I knew it was special.  What I couldn't see, was its beauty and existence, reliant on all of its parts, and all of the other elements in the garden that made it a piece in a collection. 
Now, I have come back to the Lotus in my mind. When I think of it, I see it in my minds eye, and I feel it with my minds eye.  It has soft but firm, large, white calyx...with subtle streaks of purple.  Each petal gently moves into a pointed tip on end and waxy green fronds extend from the bases.  Yellow stamen protrude from the center and hint at the viewer to poke fingers inside like a Chinese finger trap.  It's body is so capacious in relation to the other delicate flowers that to pluck it might take two hands. 
It is now that I feel I can really see the Lotus, I can observe it with intent, and feel confident that over time, I will continue to discover new parts.  The Lotus, moving around in my minds eye, brings me peace.  It is so many things...but mostly, a reminder that parts are interchangeable, malleable, and able to be transformed when seen as they really are.