Fragments of Self

[I have asked myself repeatedly why my adaptation to Japan seems so different than my peers. I look around me and see others reliving their college experience, traveling around or outside the country, experiencing life here with a zest for displacement. I have written about most of my experiences in life being something spiritual; always looking for the deeper meaning behind actions, situations, relationships, and choices. As I fumble through living each day I evaluate the "whys". I have crossed over through the looking glass only to realize that I am only staring at my reflection on the other side.]

I have grown weary of the emotional roller coaster I have been living on. I am grateful for the ability to examine my feelings in depth. I have spent more time sobbing than smiling in the past few weeks, but I recognize this as a form of purging, not unhappiness. A good friend once gave me wise advice. She told me that when you are confused, when you are upset, it is a great thing, because it means that your mind and body is sorting something out. Searching for answers.
In my personal disarray, I have entertained many notions and "why's". I have met some very intimidating thoughts that I never would have expected to entertain as a result of moving to a foreign country. For example, I have begun to explore the idea that I have inherited the same disease that my father has. I have always been afraid of losing sound mind, of being crazy. I have spent years approaching the explanation of "crazy" from a spiritual stand point. I have only believed self-medication and chemical imbalance to be symptoms, not the cause. In this thought, that I, am capable of being clinically depressed (that I am clinically depressed), I begun to dissect the issue in search of the cause. One aspect that my fahter and I do not share is the ability to self reflect and to cope with my discoveries in a healthy way. Still, that does not negate my negative thoughts, the impulse to burst into tears, or my anti-social behavior.
I could spend my time justifying my actions, chalking each emotion up to something horrible that has happened in my life, or live under the umbrella that I miss my family and friends, but that would be nominal, because one thing I have discovered for sure, is that I have felt this way my whole life.

In an effort to utilize my location, I revisited Showa Daibutsu (The tallest Buddha statue in Japan, just a few minutes from my house). Being there certainly gives me a sense of inner peace. I enjoy reading the mantras and I find solace in the meanings. I decided to purchase one of the texts by Ryuko Oda, a venerable priest of Esoteric Buddhism here in Aomori. My spiritual pursuits have provided me with a sense of direction over the years. Engaging in that exploration has once again helped me to find comfort, but the teachings in Oda's book prompted me to think about the cause of my depression.

I have never been a believer in absoluteness. I have always been a believer in ideas. In many religion's and spirituality's, including Buddhism, there is an absolute power. Even science boasts a sense of absolution through its pursuit of accountability. What I do believe in though, much like science, and much like spirituality, is creation. I believe that we have all been created. Right now I am not interested in why or how; what I am interested in is "what". What are we made of? Science has told us that we are made of flesh, bone, and about 60% water. Religion tells us that we are made of God by God. None of these ideas explain in depth the dimensions of what we are though. Although both have formulated explanations, nothing can be proven about the intangible. That is what I want to know. The intangible is what makes us crazy or depressed. It is the gamut of emotions that we all feel as humans. Science describes the intangible emotion as the chemical actions in the limbic system of our brains. Spirituality describes it as something left, for example, in Esoteric Buddhism, the intangible results from karma, which is derived from dharma or the universal law. So then, what are we made of intangibly?

I began to develop an idea about our intangibility when I was reading about the Buddhist belief of relinquishing ego: destroying self. Although I have been aware of this component in Buddhism, when I read it this time, it evoked a personal struggle in me. Aside from my opinion on the idea of destroying self and ego, what is poignant is how I began to define self during my contemplation of the idea. I started to visualize the different parts of self. Not the notion of likes and dislikes or how unique and special we all are, but the dimensions that we live in emotionally; intangibly. It seems that emotional life itself is multidimensional in two ways: sensory and perception. Most can attest to a multi sensory emotional life where our emotions are stimulated by instances like the sight of our children being born, the smell of a package from a loving atmosphere when opened, or the sound of a melody equated with a memory. I think most are aware of only the multi sensory process; base emotional information and response on a subconscious level. Multi perception though, is another multidimensional facet, and processes how we perceive our self, and who we aspire to be. I believe we are comprised of 6 dimensions of perceptive self: Fantasy, Actuality, Subjectivity, Objectivity, Projection, and Reality. These 6 components create opinion and ultimately perception.

Fantasy
Fantasy is the most important part of self I believe. Fantasy is where we create our goals. It provides a world full of perfection for us; fulfilling situations, peace, security in relationships, confidence. The list is full of endless possibilities. Fantasy is the place in our minds where we visualize who we want to be and how we want to feel.

Actuality
Actuality is the subconscious recognition of our environment, surroundings, and situations as they truly exist. I believe that although our minds are capable of observing and processing the true nature of our lives, we seldom acknowledge it. I do not list people in this category because I do not believe that people can be seen in a purely definitive light. One cannot completely be aware of every component of another person and people, blinded by subjectivity and other parts of multidimensional self, cannot see themselves in a completely objective state.

Subjectivity
Subjectivity is the way in which we exist in the actuality of our surroundings. It is our biases, our actions and reactions, it is the way in which we allow circumstance to affect us.

Objectivity
Objectivity is the conscious attempt to remain judgement free and assess life as it truly exists.

Projection
Projection is the intention to realize what we aspire to be and how we aspire to feel. It is thought of action towards changing self, whether through additive or subtractive means. This is where we feel optimism.

Reality
Reality is our individual assessment of life based on the combination of each of the perceptive dimensions and the multi sensory information input we acquire.

All 6 dimensions along with multi sensory information create our perception of the world and how we exist in it. These components are communicated within ourselves and with others through three vehicles: Thought, Physiological reaction, and Emotion. The analysis of these components, how you assess the information you acquire, is what makes you you.

Now in matters of depression or being "crazy". When these components do not add up, then self "splits". I think that the severity of the split, and of course other chemical and physical issues, warrants the degree of emotional discourse. For example, in my present situation, I have experienced a split in self when I removed myself from my reality. This does not mean that my reality was safe and secure and this new one is barbaric and threatening. I am not suggesting that reality is a lucid dream full of rainbows and no pain (although for some this is a state of denial). But people are able to create a reality that copes with the pains of life, that explains and validates it. Although it may be uncomfortable, we find ways to coexist. We spend our whole lives building those fortresses, I am simply saying that I left mine.

For some, I think the tear is to drastic, too vast. This results in full blown illnesses like schizophrenia, manic depression, and bipolar disorder. For others, the tear is like that tiny hole in your shirt that is just a hair shy of the seam. In this way, the only variance of sanity is dependant on the size of the tear, and we all are capable of insanity. By size of "tear" I do not mean the situation or circumstance that pushes one over the edge, some experiences that seem small in magnitude can be enormous for others. The tear is the width of disconnect that exists between each dimension.
So in becoming my own case study, I realized that I removed myself from my reality, and that caused part of the tear. But that only goes so far. What about the rest of my life? Why have I always secretly battled with depression, isolation, and mild bipolar feelings? There are other rips in the fabric of self. I believe that the most prominent tear for me, and quite possibly most people, is the disconnect between fantasy, actuality, and reality.

I explained that actuality is the world as it actually exists, and although we observe and process that information, we seldom acknowledge it. This doesn't mean that it doesn't find ways to creep from our subconscious into our consciousness. When that information seeps through, it is a huge shock to our intangible paradigm. We did not make room for that information in our reality, and suddenly, we must choose to embrace and integrate it or suppress it. Either way, that information has an impact on our other dimensions, effecting the fantasy portion the most profoundly. Depending on the type of information received, it can support or crush our fantasies; our hopes and dreams for self. Consequently, that is why many people choose to suppress it, but unfortunately, this perpetuates discourse. Some people diverge the information to objectivity, which is pertinent, but impossible to stay solely in that dimension. Whether we like it or not, we are also intangible beings unable to prove any real certainty of emotion and therefore cannot speculate the actuality of everything. Our only real option is to incorporate the information into our fantasy and shift our reality. If the disconnect is too large, then this can create disillusion on a grand scale, if it is small, then ultimately we are lying to ourselves. Or are we?

The idea when dealing with self is to maintain a healthy balance of disconnect. To not let the tear grow too big, but, to not sew them all up so we can continue to challenge our reality. Not challenging our reality is just as crazy as avoiding actuality. While I am here in Japan, I am discovering an old run in my stockings because it grew to big to wear them any more. I am shifting my reality, and yes, its been painful, but necessary for my growth. My very wise friend was right when she said that confusion and pain is neccessary. This epiphany is the result of my two weeks of depression. Am I cured? No. However, I got on my bike yesterday and rode through the city streets with the sun on my face. I haven't smoked a cigarette in almost two weeks. I let myself feel the freshness of the air in my lungs as my legs pumped the pedals on my bike. I rode down windy and narrow streets admiring the charms of old japan. I stopped into a small second hand boutique where a seamstress was sewing custom kimonos by hand. A couple was kneeling on the tatami looking at fabric patterns for their wedding. I let myself merge my dimensions of fantasy, actuality, and reality. I tried on a kimono and looked at myself in the reflection of the shop window. In actuality, I was wearing a stained second hand kimono, standing on a sidewalk looking in a dusty old window, but I was beautiful. 6 years ago I imagined myself in Japan, wearing a traditional kimono, in love, peaceful, feeling alive. I did that yesterday. Maybe not as I fantasized exactly, but I felt it. I felt connected to something. I saw the intangible. What I was made of in that moment was something words cannot describe. I bought the kimono for 100 yen.

There isn't any one thing that is going to heal me. Not even myself. There isn't a drug or faith that is going to present all of the answers. This is life. This is the actuality. But, I believe, that the recognition of multi dimensional perception provides us with an opportunity to experience living. It doesn't have to always be fulfilling, easy, appealing, or peaceful. Maybe it can be, but maybe that is why I have been experiencing the roller coaster of emotions my whole life, because I don't want it to be.